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Jimi's Daily Health Articles

Jimi

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Member For 5 Years
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Jimi

Diamond Contributor
Member For 5 Years
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Attention All “People-Pleasers”: Important Trauma-Healing Info


People-pleasing is commonly considered to be an altruistic method of getting along with your neighbor.


But according to prominent psychologists, it’s more accurately an acute response to trauma, called “fawning.”


We’re all pretty familiar with fight or flight responses… it turns out, there are two others. “Freeze”...


And “fawn.”


These are our defense structures — and “fawn” is a response characterized by codependence. Meaning you either require too much of others, or others require too much of you.


Here are some of the behavioral points common to fawning as a response to conflict, or the threat of conflict…


  • Mirroring opinions
  • Anticipating/appeasing needs
  • Relaxing/ignoring personal boundaries
  • Absorbing the wants of another party as your own

There are many different ways that these can manifest, but generally speaking, the “fawner” doesn’t assert their feelings and experiences as a valid stance (like a “fighter”), or obsessively strives for perfection to avoid conflict (like a “flighter”), or disassociates and becomes as invisible as possible (like a “freezer”).


You see, matching your “opponent’s” posture and attitude is a way to blend in and convince the source of conflict that you’re on their side, you’re not the target, you’ll help them to make it better.


It’s usually a trained reaction to trauma or abuse — to get in front of a conflict before it gets in front of you.




The Psychology of Fawning


Therapist and author Pete Walker developed his “fawning” theory as an exploration of the affability of PTSD survivors.


Not only does fawning serve to diffuse conflict, it also creates a false sense of security in relationships by using constructed commonalities as a bond. Basically, it’s the long-con.

But what it all boils down to?


Feeling safe.


This means that you’ll often find fawners in relationships with people who are:


  • controlling (so that they don’t have to make decisions which could later impact them negatively)
  • withholding (so that receiving affection feels “earned” and therefore less likely to evaporate)
  • or in some cases abusive (so that having no boundaries seems justified, since they wouldn’t have been respected anyway)

Are you detecting the pattern?


Does This Sound Like You?


People whose trauma response is fawning tend to prefer relationships and situations that are inherently unstable because it feels comfortable, and because their required contribution is clear and familiar: soothe and supplement.


If you suspect this might be you…


Here are a few more checkpoints. Do you…


  • Go back and forth between bottling up your emotions and unleashing them onto people, usually not the people who need to hear them?
  • Have a really hard time saying “no”, even when you’re completely overwhelmed?
  • Second-guess yourself when you’re angry at someone and end up feeling guilty for possibly misunderstanding the situation?
  • Craft your behavior based on the perceived reactions of the other person involved as though you were responsible for their behavior as well as your own?
  • Bend and mold your values depending on the situation?

Those trends are an indication that you respond to conflict by fawning.




What Should You Do?


This is a personal journey, so everyone’s answer will be different.


You could seek out therapy, with a focus on self-preservation through self-worth, and not through external validation that fawning seemingly secures.


If you’d like to take matters into your own hands, you could start dismantling your “fawning” reaction by considering which people in your life illicit it the most from you.


Who do you go out of your way to please?


And who do you ignore as a result?


Noting who you ignore is helpful, because those people are often the people you actually should be spending energy on.


You see, they’re the people that you’re not afraid of — who aren’t mad when you take time for yourself, or who don’t question your feelings when you present them.


It’s likely that you’ve paid less attention to these people because their approval wasn’t conditional, and you weren’t punished for not paying attention.


Consider starting there, but if you’d like something a little bit more hands-on…


You could try a course in healing emotional trauma, like this one.


Whatever you decide to do, simply understanding when and why you engage in a “fawning” response is absolutely crucial.


For full references, please click here.
 

Jimi

Diamond Contributor
Member For 5 Years
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How Getting Up Earlier Can Change Your Whole Life


If you had to guess, out of all the falsehoods and fibs and omissions in the history of the world…


What would you say is the greatest lie ever told?


Okay, okay, I’ll tell you.


For late risers, it’s a no-brainer.


“I’ll get up early and do that.”


You see, those out there (especially right now, when New Year’s resolutions are at their peak performance levels) trying to cram more into their schedules — workout routines, meal prepping, new hobbies, longer sleep — usually try to add them to an imaginary morning schedule.


But if you struggle with getting up early, that can feel almost impossible.


So many factors contribute to difficulty peeling the covers off and getting up before you absolutely have to — sleep disorders, stress, sleep deficiency, depression, chronic pain, and good old force of habit.


And there are tons of ways you can retrain your body to get up earlier (more on that in a later post.)


One of the best motivators is understanding exactly how getting up earlier can change your life for the better.


Let’s explore some of those benefits now…




Your Work Life Improves


Studies have shown there’s a correlation between getting up early and success at your job.


When you get up earlier, you have more time to become fully alert before you have to go to work, which means you don’t spend time at work adjusting to being awake.


It’s different for everyone, but on average, sleep inertia (transitioning from sleeping to being completely awake) lasts between 2-4 hours. You want to allow time for melatonin in your body to dissipate.


Your brain is at its lowest cognitive function during the sleep inertia period. If the first 2-4 hours of your work day are spent in this groggy state, it can be difficult to start being productive in the middle of the work day.


You Become Better at Setting and Keeping Long-Term Goals


A study done by a biologist at Harvard tested the proactivity of early risers.


What he found is they are more likely to set future goals for themselves, take personal ownership of those goals, have higher self-confidence, and feel more motivated to take on new tasks.


Not only that, but early risers are much better at seeing potential problems and mitigating them in advance.


You Reduce Your Overall Stress Levels


Living by the circadian rhythm of your body and the Earth is good for you.


Lots of studies show that people who get up early actually change their sleep schedules, go to bed earlier, and enjoy deeper, more restful sleep.


And when you sleep better, your body replenishes what it needs and keeps the brain functioning at its strongest. In fact, good sleep is directly associated with a better memory, better critical thinking, and a more positive outlook.


And since you’re more likely to get a full 7-9 hours of sleep by going to sleep early and waking up early, you decrease your body’s production of cortisol, the stress hormone, which is produced in higher quantities when you’re sleep deprived.




You Build Positive Habits


People who get up early tend to have healthier routines.


Think about it like this: if you have two hours in the morning to shower, read, drink your coffee or tea or water, make a healthy breakfast, get your blood circulating, or whatever else you’d like to fit in…


You probably will. If you only have 20 minutes to get to work after you wake up, you’ll mentally save those activities for when you’re off the clock again.


When you’re tired and frustrated and want to rest your brain and body, it’s much easier to justify grabbing takeout, binging television, or hitting a happy hour.


You Experience Peace and Quiet


If you’re awake when everyone else is awake, it can be hard to find a moment to yourself.


Especially if you have a family.


The effect that silence has on the human brain is almost immeasurable. During several studies, scientists found that not only does a quiet atmosphere help with an internal sense of calm…


It also assists in the growth of new brain cells, builds the brain’s memory center, and aid in the process of weighing and evaluating information to make smarter decisions.


Spending quiet time with ourselves in the morning is critical to developing a self-actualized personality.


There are so many other benefits we could highlight to getting up earlier…


It even makes you prettier! (Better sleep leads to better skin.)


But ultimately, if it’s a personal goal for you, you’ll have to decide what motivates you the most.


And stay tuned for a post on how to retrain your body to rise with the sun...
 

inspects

Squonkamaniac
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