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Poop on My Porch

Lost

Silver Contributor
Member For 4 Years
Member For 3 Years
I got home today and there was poop on my porch.

They were in a bag. "They," meaning multiple turds. And "bag," meaning the sender obviously wanted to scoot off with the hopeful visual of me sticking my face inside to examine the contents.

Putting poop on a porch is a d!ck move. That's the nicest way to describe it. The worst way is... it's a hate crime. The technical way to describe it is... it's a politico-socio-economic power play meant to intimidate. I guess there's also the kid-way to describe it... it's freaking awesome.

I immediately identified the turds. They were dog logs. That meant I was immediately able to identify the culprit. My landlord.

My landlord has about 2 acres of lawn in front of about 2 1/2 acres of woods. There have been bears and coyotes in the area, not to mention the mega f-tons of deer. And it's pitch black outside at night, which means if our dog takes a dump at midnight, we can't even see him squatting. But apparently this city-slicker of a gem of a homeowner walks every square millimeter of the property every time he drives up. And he absolutely hates dog turds. They're a personal offense to him.

He emailed me about a month ago, aghast that we missed a pile. I had been home all that day, and had talked to him earlier. But instead of a friendly heads up, he waited until he drove the 2 hours back home, and it was dark out, so I couldn't even tell him I would go pick it up. He never even volunteered a general location of the poo. I simply sucked it up and apologized.

But now I was holding a bag of it. If my wife had stepped outside and found it, she would have lost her mind. Because putting poop on a porch is a d!ck move. And she had no idea about the previous email. She had no idea this was already A Thing.

I found him near the pole barn.
"I guess that was you who put the dog crap on the porch?"
He said something stupid while sticking out his chest, proud of his accomplishment and the message it sent.
"Well, to do that right, you're supposed to set the bag on fire and ring the doorbell."

I should mention I was wearing a suit. Rare occasion, but yeah.

He got defensive. I yelled. He blustered on about turds. I tried to explain that he simply could have shoved a stake next to the pile and have me pick it up. Nope. I grabbed the trash can full of doggie-poo-bags and dumped them on the ground, proving our efforts. He defended his right to put poo on the porch, because there have been oh-so many times we've left them on the lawn.

Nothing swayed the guy. All the help I've given him so he wouldn't have to drive out as much. The brush and other piles of garbage he's left around the property for weeks, that I finally trucked away on my own. The fact my wife could have stepped outside and thought someone harbored a horrific amount of ill will against us and feared it was a stalker.

Finally, I said this.
"What would you think if you walked outside YOUR OWN DOOR and saw sh!t in a bag? And what grandiose point were you trying to make? All you did is transfer unwanted poop from your property, to ANOTHER PLACE ON YOUR PROPERTY. Putting poop on a porch is NOT not what adults DO."

I think the "adult" thing got him. He apologized, but added that his apology was uttered because he had no idea I'd get so upset. Sure. "No idea" makes him a liar or the most naive human in America.

I wish there was a better ending. I'll have to make one up...

Suddenly, realizing his own folly, my landlord tore off all his clothes and lept upon the filled poo bags, writhing around while flogging himself with a pair of them. He finally wore himself out and fell asleep, curled up in the fetal position amidst the stench.
 

Whiskey

Diamond Contributor
Member For 4 Years
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<<< Next move is yours
 

JColt

Bronze Contributor
Member For 5 Years
My neighbor who's lot is at my rear right corner of back yard. My wife was in bathroom upstairs and watch stuff being thrown over the fence. She goes out and sure enough this idiot was throwing his dogs crap in my yard. She calls me and asks if she should call police. I said no, I'll handle it. I work for a city so on way home I stopped at the animal shelter. Animal warden gave me a half filled 50 gal trash can of dog shit. I got up 1 hour early ( I normally leave house at 4:40 am) and put on rubber gloves. I pelted damn near every inch of his back yard along with a good 5#'s in his goldfish pond. He didn't want to play any more after that.
 

skt239

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Member For 4 Years
You know what's then dog shit on the porch? Human shit on the porch.

Game on.
 

Lost

Silver Contributor
Member For 4 Years
Member For 3 Years
You know what's then dog shit on the porch? Human shit on the porch.

Woah, I just remembered one of the things I screamed at him... as I was trying to explain how effed up it is to put poop on your own tenant's porch.
"Dude, the only thing worse than that would have been putting your OWN poop on the porch!"

I think that wins for the oddest thread I've seen on VU......but funny.

Very relieved to hear it's odd. Because this is so bizarre that I'm starting to think porch turds are normal.
 

Bobx

Bronze Contributor
Bronze Contributor
Member For 4 Years
Suddenly, realizing his own folly, my landlord tore off all his clothes and lept upon the filled poo bags, writhing around while flogging himself with a pair of them. He finally wore himself out and fell asleep, curled up in the fetal position amidst the stench.

Nice story but this I find a little hard to believeo_O
 

gpjoe

Silver Contributor
Member For 4 Years
Ok so he picked up your dog's crap, bagged it, and delivered it to your front porch? All you had to do was put it in the trash, rather than search the acreage for it, shovel it up, bag it and then throw it in the trash? Seems like he did the hard part and saved you a couple of steps...and YOU are complaining? That's the dick move. Am I missing something?

I would have thanked him. :p
 

PuffPuffPass

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Things must be different in your version of America. Our grass is always green, and we wear shoes outside.
 

BigNasty

Diamond Contributor
Member For 4 Years
ECF Refugee
I got the cops called on me once for returning fresh doggy logs to the pooch's owner.
I was working in my yard cutting back some thorn bushes and had on some insane thick gloves so I would not be doing an impression of a violently sick pin cushion.
Dude walks up with his mutt on a leash and walks him like three steps into my yard in front of me for his dog to cop a squat. Dog does his business and the dude calmly turns and walks away with said mutt.
I called him out on it and he ignored me.. I think I said something to the effect of "What in the ever loving fuck do you think you are doing? Pick it up!"
Since I was now the owner of of a giant softball sized pile of steaming dog mud in my freshly cut grass and the dog owner was rude and stupid possibly deaf I chose to return it to him in the most quickest way possible.
With my ultra thick rubber gloves on I scooped said deposit up and caught up to the turd terrorist... "hey fucko you forgot something!" I scooped half from the ammo hand and pelted him on the back. He turned squealing about assault and he got a face and chest full from the other half.

He made it home and called the cops and came down screaming bloody murder... the cops when they found out what he did looked at him and broke out the ticket book and fined him on the spot for not cleaning up after his dog.
When the dude protested loudly the cop all calm as could be told him to shut the fuck up, and he would have force fed him the offending pile.

The jackass continued to lead his dog into my yard and the neighbors yard for his mutt to shit freely without cleaning it up.
I got tired of it and conspired with the neighbors who heard about my stunt and supported me 100% to collect from their yard the offending dog shit.

He finally got the hint when me and two other neighbors dawned gloves, armed with a bucket of his dog's shit.. went and painted and pelted the entire front of his house and door handle with said dog's shit.
 

Teresa P

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Staff member
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That is FREAKIN' AWESOME!! LMAO!!!
 

Browncoat

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Some people are so rude. There's a guy on my street who used to do the same thing. Note: used to.

Every day, twice a day, this guy would walk his dog down our street. I don't know what breed it is, some huge Marmaduke-looking thing. Every day, twice a day, this dog would shit in our yard. I confronted him about it three times. He's an older guy, probably mid-60s, so I didn't really want to scare him to death. But still, he persisted. The last straw came when my 3-yr old son was playing outside and fell down in the dog shit. I don't think I've ever been so pissed off in my life.

On a bright and sunny summer day this year, here he comes down the street with Marmaduke as usual. I was outside putting down some black mulch, so I had some rubber gloves on. Marmaduke squats and pinches off a steamy loaf with me no less than 20 yards away. The fucking nerve of this guy, right? I mean...right in front of me. Old guy got nervous when I dropped my rake and made a bee line straight for him. "Oh, I'll get a bag and come back to clean this up later. Sorry." I said nope, you can take it with you right now. I scooped up two big fistfuls of hot dog shit and crammed them into this guys pockets.

That motherfucker walks his dog on the other side of the street now.
 

BigNasty

Diamond Contributor
Member For 4 Years
ECF Refugee
Some people are so rude. There's a guy on my street who used to do the same thing. Note: used to.

Every day, twice a day, this guy would walk his dog down our street. I don't know what breed it is, some huge Marmaduke-looking thing. Every day, twice a day, this dog would shit in our yard. I confronted him about it three times. He's an older guy, probably mid-60s, so I didn't really want to scare him to death. But still, he persisted. The last straw came when my 3-yr old son was playing outside and fell down in the dog shit. I don't think I've ever been so pissed off in my life.

On a bright and sunny summer day this year, here he comes down the street with Marmaduke as usual. I was outside putting down some black mulch, so I had some rubber gloves on. Marmaduke squats and pinches off a steamy loaf with me no less than 20 yards away. The fucking nerve of this guy, right? I mean...right in front of me. Old guy got nervous when I dropped my rake and made a bee line straight for him. "Oh, I'll get a bag and come back to clean this up later. Sorry." I said nope, you can take it with you right now. I scooped up two big fistfuls of hot dog shit and crammed them into this guys pockets.

That motherfucker walks his dog on the other side of the street now.
Fuck turd terrorists.
 

PuffPuffPass

Silver Contributor
Member For 4 Years
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Breaking News! Scientist in Botswana discover cure for Cancer.
Meanwhile in America, they're fighting over dog shit.

 

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