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Teresa P
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Why did the chicken cross the road?
DONALD TRUMP: We will build a big wall to keep illegal chickens from crossing the road. We will have a door for legal chickens.
JOHN KERRY: We will trust the chicken to tell us whether it crossed the road or not.
CHRIS CHRISTIE: We need to waterboard that chicken to find out why it crossed the road.
RAND PAUL: It's none of our business why the chicken crossed the road.
NANCY PELOSI: We will have to wait until the chicken crosses the road to see what it says.
CARLY FIORINA: Hilary Clinton lied about why the chicken crossed the road.
BRIAN WILLIAMS: I crossed the road with the chicken.
BEN CARSON: This isn't brain surgery. So why did the chicken cross the road?
SARAH PALIN: The chicken crossed the road because, gosh-darn it, he's a maverick!
BARACK OBAMA: Let me be perfectly clear, if the chickens like their eggs they can keep their eggs. No chicken will be required to cross the road to surrender her eggs. Period.
HILLARY CLINTON: What difference at this point does it make why the chicken crossed the road?
GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or against us. There is no middle ground here.
BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken.
AL GORE: I invented the chicken.
AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white?
ANDERSON COOPER: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.
GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
BILL GATES: I have just released Chicken 2016, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents and balance your checkbook.
ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?
DONALD TRUMP: We will build a big wall to keep illegal chickens from crossing the road. We will have a door for legal chickens.
JOHN KERRY: We will trust the chicken to tell us whether it crossed the road or not.
CHRIS CHRISTIE: We need to waterboard that chicken to find out why it crossed the road.
RAND PAUL: It's none of our business why the chicken crossed the road.
NANCY PELOSI: We will have to wait until the chicken crosses the road to see what it says.
CARLY FIORINA: Hilary Clinton lied about why the chicken crossed the road.
BRIAN WILLIAMS: I crossed the road with the chicken.
BEN CARSON: This isn't brain surgery. So why did the chicken cross the road?
SARAH PALIN: The chicken crossed the road because, gosh-darn it, he's a maverick!
BARACK OBAMA: Let me be perfectly clear, if the chickens like their eggs they can keep their eggs. No chicken will be required to cross the road to surrender her eggs. Period.
HILLARY CLINTON: What difference at this point does it make why the chicken crossed the road?
GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or against us. There is no middle ground here.
BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken.
AL GORE: I invented the chicken.
AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white?
ANDERSON COOPER: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.
GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
BILL GATES: I have just released Chicken 2016, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents and balance your checkbook.
ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?
I recently picked a new primary care doctor.
After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, she said I was doing fairly well for my age. (I will be Sixty this year)
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking her, 'Do you think I'll live to be 85?'
She asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?'
'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'
Then she asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?'
'I said, 'Not much... My former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'
'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'
'No, I don't,' I said.
She asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'
'No,' I said...
She looked at me and said, 'Then, why do you even give a shit?
After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, she said I was doing fairly well for my age. (I will be Sixty this year)
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking her, 'Do you think I'll live to be 85?'
She asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?'
'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'
Then she asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?'
'I said, 'Not much... My former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'
'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'
'No, I don't,' I said.
She asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'
'No,' I said...
She looked at me and said, 'Then, why do you even give a shit?
Man speaking to his doctor: I'm a wigwam. I'm a teepee. I'm a wigwam. I'm a teepee...
Doctor replies: Calm down, you're too tense.
Sent from my RCT6303W87DK using Tapatalk
Doctor replies: Calm down, you're too tense.
Sent from my RCT6303W87DK using Tapatalk
A blonde was driving her boyfriends new car and crashed into a pole.
She drives to the body shop and says she needs it fixed right away before her man gets home.
Body man says he does not have the time.
The blonde is frantic. "What am I going to do? she asks.
Since she's blonde the bodyman decides to mess with her.
"You can fix this yourself you know!"
"How can I do that?' she asks.
He says "take the car home, go to the back of the car, get on your knees and blow really hard on the tailpipe. The dents will pop out!
She races home, gets on her knees and starts blowing .
Her blonde girlfriend is walking by and asks "What the hell are you doing?'
I wrecked the car and the body man says I can blow these dents out but it's not working!
Her friend says "You stupid bitch! You have to roll the windows up first!
She drives to the body shop and says she needs it fixed right away before her man gets home.
Body man says he does not have the time.
The blonde is frantic. "What am I going to do? she asks.
Since she's blonde the bodyman decides to mess with her.
"You can fix this yourself you know!"
"How can I do that?' she asks.
He says "take the car home, go to the back of the car, get on your knees and blow really hard on the tailpipe. The dents will pop out!
She races home, gets on her knees and starts blowing .
Her blonde girlfriend is walking by and asks "What the hell are you doing?'
I wrecked the car and the body man says I can blow these dents out but it's not working!
Her friend says "You stupid bitch! You have to roll the windows up first!
Four Worms in Church
A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon. Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good, clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the minister reported the following results: The first worm in alcohol: dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke: dead.
Third worm in chocolate syrup: dead.
The fourth worm in good, clean soil: alive.
So the minister asked the congregation, "What did you learn from this demonstration?"
Maxine was sitting in the back and quickly raised her hand. "If you drink, smoke, and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"
That pretty much ended the service.
Sent from a Galaxy far far away!
A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon. Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good, clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the minister reported the following results: The first worm in alcohol: dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke: dead.
Third worm in chocolate syrup: dead.
The fourth worm in good, clean soil: alive.
So the minister asked the congregation, "What did you learn from this demonstration?"
Maxine was sitting in the back and quickly raised her hand. "If you drink, smoke, and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"
That pretty much ended the service.
Sent from a Galaxy far far away!
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A blind man walked into a woman only bar.
Walking towards the bar maid, he said “get me a draft beer bartender and I have a blonde joke for you”.
The gruff sounding woman behind him said “I’m a blonde” and the guy said “ok”.
Then she said “the bartender? She’s a blonde”. The guy said “Oh, ok”.
She then said, “the woman to your left? She’s blonde and an olympic weight lifter, and the blonde to your right has a black belt in Judo”. Guy says “hmmm”
She also said “and the bouncer?, she’s a blonde”.
Then guy says “well, never mind then”. And She said “heh !, didn’t wanna get your ass whopped, did ya!”.
And the guy said, “NO, I just didn’t want to explain it 5 times”.
Walking towards the bar maid, he said “get me a draft beer bartender and I have a blonde joke for you”.
The gruff sounding woman behind him said “I’m a blonde” and the guy said “ok”.
Then she said “the bartender? She’s a blonde”. The guy said “Oh, ok”.
She then said, “the woman to your left? She’s blonde and an olympic weight lifter, and the blonde to your right has a black belt in Judo”. Guy says “hmmm”
She also said “and the bouncer?, she’s a blonde”.
Then guy says “well, never mind then”. And She said “heh !, didn’t wanna get your ass whopped, did ya!”.
And the guy said, “NO, I just didn’t want to explain it 5 times”.
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