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Roasts, Insults, jokes, yo mama jokes, pick up lines.

Mike H.

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I figured this could be a fun thread to catch a laugh or two..Please keep it all in fun.

I guess ill start with a "face slapper" pick up line.

Damn girl, your parents must have been chicken farmers, cuz you sure know how to raise a cawk.:eek:
 

ghost62

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Yo mama so poor, when she gets mad she can't afford to fly off the handle- she has to 'go Greyhound' off the handle...
 

UncleRJ

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When I was little, we were so poor that we could not afford tinsel for the Christmas tree.

Instead, we sat grandpa in front of it and waited for him to sneeze:eek:
 

Neunerball

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Due to a car accident, my lower back is messed up, and my doctor told me, I shouldn't lift any heavy weight anymore, in order to not cause further pain and damage. Therefore, my pickup line was to ask a girl if she could accompany me to the men's room, when she was asking why, I told her my doctor told me not to lift any heavy weight. It actually worked several times.
 

JLFROST

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Ask a girl " are you related to a squirrel ? "
No why?
Because I have a video camera, some booze and some freaky ideas.
 

Kingboomer

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A friend of mine had this unusual birth defect. Apparently he was born with no eye lids on the right eye. In a fit of genius, the doctors took his recently removed foreskin and fashioned a new set of eye lids for him. Flash forward 30 or so years and you can't tell he's had the procedure done! Amazing, right? The only issue he has is after a few beers he gets half cock-eyed...


-Kingboomer
 

Kingboomer

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We all call yo' mama "squirrel"...

...'cause she always has a nut in her mouth :D


-Kingboomer
 

MoFasterMo

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"Have you ever gone home with a couple?"
That line is way more effective than I would ever thought.
(hint: you might want to check with your wife first)
 

dubya314

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Mike Tyson, thats a hell of a tramp stamp on your face. Guys don't know weather to be afraid of it, or finish on it!
 

Petyr

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Yo mamma so fat that she doesn't have a waistline she has an equator .
 

Nitrowolf72

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Yo mama so fat she went to the airport with yellow jumpants on. She bent over, they split up the middle and 2 guys crawled in thinking it was a cab.

Sent from my LGL35G
 

Zamazam

Evil Vulcan's do it with Logic
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If your right leg was Christmas and your left leg was Easter, would you let me come for dinner between the holidays?

This actually worked for me once.
 

dubya314

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A man gets a phone call from the police saying his house has been robbed. They consumed all of his beer and raped his wife. After a moment of silence, the man finally says, I cant believe they fucked my wife after only 5 beers.
 

Kingboomer

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Yer momma's so fat when she sits on a bar stool she gets a hang over
 

Kingboomer

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Yer momma's cooking is so bad that the flies all chipped in to fix the screen door!
 

Swerved

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Hmm...

Momma so fat, she cut herself and gravy came out.

Ya momma so fat, she sat on a quarter and squished a booger out of George Washington's nose.

Ya momma so big, she uses a roll of bounty and a rope for a tampon.


And of course, if you ever get hit with one of these "yo momma" gems, a very effective response is, "I don't have a momma, me and my daddy use yours".
 

Swerved

Bronze Contributor
Member For 4 Years
So a blond walks into an auto body shop and explains that her car is full of dings from being caught in a hail storm. The guy behind the counter decides to have some fun and he tells her that she could save a ton of money by repairing it herself... All she has to do is when she gets home, kneel behind the car and blow in the tailpipe as hard as she can and the positive pressure will pop the dents out... She promptly thanked the guy and made her way home, happy that she was going to save on repairs.

When she got home, she pulled the car in the garage, laid a towel down behind it to pad her knees, and kneeled down and started blowing as hard as she could on the exhaust pipe. Right then her roommate came home (also blonde), and asked what in the hell she was doing. She quickly snapped back, "I'm repairing the dents from the hail storm by blowing them back out, but it doesn't seem to be working g like the guy told me it would"..

The roommate stood there with a dumbfounded look on her face and quickly replied, " Well DUH!! That's because you didn't roll the windows up, jeez!!"....
 

dubya314

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Member For 5 Years
The blind cashier:
A woman goes into bass pro shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson s birthday. She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.
The clerk was standing behind the counter wearing dark sunglasses.
She says to him, "excuse me sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel? "
He says, "ma'am, im completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes. "
She doesn't belive him but drops it on the counter anyway. .....
He says, "that's a six foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a zebco 404 reel and 10 lbs test line. It's a good all-around combination, and it's on sale this week for only $20.00
She says, "it's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it! " as she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.
"Oh, that sounds like a master card," he says
She bends down to pick it up and accidentally passes gas.
At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes. ....There is no way the clerk could tell it was her who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around?
The man rings up the sale and says, "that'll be $34.50 please. "
The woman is totally confused by this and asks," didn't you tell me the the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"
He replies, "yes ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the duck call is $11.00, and the catfish bait is $3.50."
She paid it and left without saying a word.
 

Kingboomer

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Your daddy's so old that when Moses parted the red sea he was on the other side fishing!
 

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