Roasts, Insults, jokes, yo mama jokes, pick up lines.

Discussion in 'Non-Vaping Related' started by Mike H., Apr 1, 2015.

  1. Mike H.

    Mike H. Gold Contributor Member For 2 Years

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    I figured this could be a fun thread to catch a laugh or two..Please keep it all in fun.

    I guess ill start with a "face slapper" pick up line.

    Damn girl, your parents must have been chicken farmers, cuz you sure know how to raise a cawk.:eek:
     
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  2. ghost62

    ghost62 Gold Contributor Member For 3 Years

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    Yo mama so poor she was walking down the street with one shoe on and was asked if she lost a shoe.
    'No,' she replied. 'I found one...'
     
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  3. ghost62

    ghost62 Gold Contributor Member For 3 Years

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    Yo mama so poor, when she gets mad she can't afford to fly off the handle- she has to 'go Greyhound' off the handle...
     
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  4. ghost62

    ghost62 Gold Contributor Member For 3 Years

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    Yo mama so dumb she ordered a free e-cigarette starter kit thinking it was actually free...
     
  5. UncleRJ

    UncleRJ Will write reviews for Beer! Staff Member Senior Moderator VU Donator Platinum Contributor Member For 3 Years ECF Refugee Reviewer

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    When I was little, we were so poor that we could not afford tinsel for the Christmas tree.

    Instead, we sat grandpa in front of it and waited for him to sneeze:eek:
     
  6. ghost62

    ghost62 Gold Contributor Member For 3 Years

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    Ewwwwww...
     
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  7. bobsyeruncle

    bobsyeruncle Gold Contributor

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    If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
     
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  8. Neunerball

    Neunerball Gold Contributor Member For 2 Years ECF Refugee

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    Due to a car accident, my lower back is messed up, and my doctor told me, I shouldn't lift any heavy weight anymore, in order to not cause further pain and damage. Therefore, my pickup line was to ask a girl if she could accompany me to the men's room, when she was asking why, I told her my doctor told me not to lift any heavy weight. It actually worked several times.
     
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  9. bondo

    bondo Silver Contributor Member For 2 Years

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    Hey baby,wanna go out for pizza and a fuck?
    SLAP!
    What? You don't like pizza?
     
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  10. bondo

    bondo Silver Contributor Member For 2 Years

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    How can you tell if your baby is Italian?
    He won't take a pacifier unless there's hair on it..
     
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  11. JLFROST

    JLFROST Bronze Contributor Member For 2 Years

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    Ask a girl " are you related to a squirrel ? "
    No why?
    Because I have a video camera, some booze and some freaky ideas.
     
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  12. bobsyeruncle

    bobsyeruncle Gold Contributor

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    You know you're getting old when

    ...Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs and make love, and you answer, 'Honey, I can't do both!'
     
  13. Mike H.

    Mike H. Gold Contributor Member For 2 Years

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    Yo mama so dumb, she got locked in the grocery store and starved to death.
     
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  14. Kingboomer

    Kingboomer Silver Contributor Member For 2 Years

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    A friend of mine had this unusual birth defect. Apparently he was born with no eye lids on the right eye. In a fit of genius, the doctors took his recently removed foreskin and fashioned a new set of eye lids for him. Flash forward 30 or so years and you can't tell he's had the procedure done! Amazing, right? The only issue he has is after a few beers he gets half cock-eyed...


    -Kingboomer
     
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  15. Kingboomer

    Kingboomer Silver Contributor Member For 2 Years

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    We all call yo' mama "squirrel"...

    ...'cause she always has a nut in her mouth :D


    -Kingboomer
     
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  16. Kingboomer

    Kingboomer Silver Contributor Member For 2 Years

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    When I was little we were so broke that for Christmas we'd get a pair of pants with holes in the pockets, so we'd at least have something to play with :D


    -Kingboomer
     
  17. MoFasterMo

    MoFasterMo Bronze Contributor

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    "Have you ever gone home with a couple?"
    That line is way more effective than I would ever thought.
    (hint: you might want to check with your wife first)
     
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  18. dubya314

    dubya314 Bronze Contributor

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    I was banging this nice lady over the kitchen table when we heard the front door open, she said quick, it's my husband, try the back door. Thinking back, I should have ran, but you don't get opportunities like that every day:)
     
  19. Saddletramp1200

    Saddletramp1200 Diamond Contributor Member For 3 Years

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    We were so poor, we would fall down just so we could pick a scab in a day or two.
     
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  20. Mike H.

    Mike H. Gold Contributor Member For 2 Years

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    Yo mamas hoochie was so hairy, you had to be treated for carpet burns after delivery.
     
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  21. dubya314

    dubya314 Bronze Contributor

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    My wife asked me when you are away on a boys only fishing trip do you think about me. Apparently only to stop myself from cuming to quickly wasn't the right answer
     
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  22. martinelias

    martinelias Silver Contributor Silver Contributor

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    Chuck norris doesnt own a watch, he decides what time it is.
     
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  23. dubya314

    dubya314 Bronze Contributor

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    Mike Tyson, thats a hell of a tramp stamp on your face. Guys don't know weather to be afraid of it, or finish on it!
     
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  24. martinelias

    martinelias Silver Contributor Silver Contributor

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    Chuck norris got bit by a venemous snake. Moments later the snake died.
     
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  25. Petyr

    Petyr Bronze Contributor

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    Yo mamma so fat that she doesn't have a waistline she has an equator .
     
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  26. Kingboomer

    Kingboomer Silver Contributor Member For 2 Years

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    OK, let's get off of mamas for a while, 'cause I just got off of yours!

    :D
     
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  27. dubya314

    dubya314 Bronze Contributor

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    A psychic told me I would come into some money. Last nite I fucked a girl named penny, is that spooky or what?
     
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  28. Kingboomer

    Kingboomer Silver Contributor Member For 2 Years

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    Confucious say:

    Man who masturbate with peanut butter is fucking nuts
     
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  29. Mike H.

    Mike H. Gold Contributor Member For 2 Years

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    Yo mama so slow it takes her 2 hrs to watch the show 60 minutes.
     
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  30. Nitrowolf72

    Nitrowolf72 Silver Contributor

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    Yo mama so fat she went to the airport with yellow jumpants on. She bent over, they split up the middle and 2 guys crawled in thinking it was a cab.

    Sent from my LGL35G
     
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  31. Zamazam

    Zamazam Evil Vulcan's do it with Logic Staff Member Senior Moderator VU Donator Platinum Contributor Member For 3 Years

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    If your right leg was Christmas and your left leg was Easter, would you let me come for dinner between the holidays?

    This actually worked for me once.
     
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  32. dubya314

    dubya314 Bronze Contributor

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    A man gets a phone call from the police saying his house has been robbed. They consumed all of his beer and raped his wife. After a moment of silence, the man finally says, I cant believe they fucked my wife after only 5 beers.
     
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  33. martinelias

    martinelias Silver Contributor Silver Contributor

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    Your moms so fat when she wears red people yell out "koolaid!"
     
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  34. bondo

    bondo Silver Contributor Member For 2 Years

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    Yo mommas so inbred she gots 11 fingers and 15 toes and STILL can't count to 26...
     
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  35. Kingboomer

    Kingboomer Silver Contributor Member For 2 Years

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    Yer momma's so fat when she sits on a bar stool she gets a hang over
     
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  36. Kingboomer

    Kingboomer Silver Contributor Member For 2 Years

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    Yer momma's cooking is so bad that the flies all chipped in to fix the screen door!
     
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  37. GrayVaper

    GrayVaper Drips in Public VU Donator Bronze Contributor

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    Yo mama's so fat, she went to a nude beach and Seaworld showed up.
     
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  38. Swerved

    Swerved Bronze Contributor Member For 2 Years

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    Hmm...

    Momma so fat, she cut herself and gravy came out.

    Ya momma so fat, she sat on a quarter and squished a booger out of George Washington's nose.

    Ya momma so big, she uses a roll of bounty and a rope for a tampon.


    And of course, if you ever get hit with one of these "yo momma" gems, a very effective response is, "I don't have a momma, me and my daddy use yours".
     
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  39. Kingboomer

    Kingboomer Silver Contributor Member For 2 Years

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  40. Kingboomer

    Kingboomer Silver Contributor Member For 2 Years

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    Know what sexual position makes ugly babies?

    Me either, go ask your mother :D
     
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  41. dubya314

    dubya314 Bronze Contributor

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    I got a call from a charity asking me to donate some of my old clothes to the starving people of the world. I told them to fuck off, if they fit in my clothes they certainly aren't starving
     
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  42. Kingboomer

    Kingboomer Silver Contributor Member For 2 Years

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    two guys went on a fishing trip one day with a lady friend. No one caught a damn thing all day, but she went home with a red snapper :D
     
  43. DirtyGoat

    DirtyGoat New Member

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    How do you know when a blonde is having a bad day?
    When she cant find her pencil and has a tampon behind her ear
     
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  44. Jetson

    Jetson Bronze Contributor

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    Yo mamma's so dumb, she's been vaping for 2 years and still hangs out at ECF.
     
  45. Kingboomer

    Kingboomer Silver Contributor Member For 2 Years

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    Ahhh blonde jokes...

    Know what blondes and Harley's have on common??

    They both drip for an hour after your done riding 'em xD
     
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  46. Swerved

    Swerved Bronze Contributor Member For 2 Years

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    So a blond walks into an auto body shop and explains that her car is full of dings from being caught in a hail storm. The guy behind the counter decides to have some fun and he tells her that she could save a ton of money by repairing it herself... All she has to do is when she gets home, kneel behind the car and blow in the tailpipe as hard as she can and the positive pressure will pop the dents out... She promptly thanked the guy and made her way home, happy that she was going to save on repairs.

    When she got home, she pulled the car in the garage, laid a towel down behind it to pad her knees, and kneeled down and started blowing as hard as she could on the exhaust pipe. Right then her roommate came home (also blonde), and asked what in the hell she was doing. She quickly snapped back, "I'm repairing the dents from the hail storm by blowing them back out, but it doesn't seem to be working g like the guy told me it would"..

    The roommate stood there with a dumbfounded look on her face and quickly replied, " Well DUH!! That's because you didn't roll the windows up, jeez!!"....
     
  47. Kingboomer

    Kingboomer Silver Contributor Member For 2 Years

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    Confucius say:

    Man who walk sideways through turnstile, going to Bangkok
     
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  48. dubya314

    dubya314 Bronze Contributor

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    The blind cashier:
    A woman goes into bass pro shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson s birthday. She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.
    The clerk was standing behind the counter wearing dark sunglasses.
    She says to him, "excuse me sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel? "
    He says, "ma'am, im completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes. "
    She doesn't belive him but drops it on the counter anyway. .....
    He says, "that's a six foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a zebco 404 reel and 10 lbs test line. It's a good all-around combination, and it's on sale this week for only $20.00
    She says, "it's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it! " as she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.
    "Oh, that sounds like a master card," he says
    She bends down to pick it up and accidentally passes gas.
    At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes. ....There is no way the clerk could tell it was her who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around?
    The man rings up the sale and says, "that'll be $34.50 please. "
    The woman is totally confused by this and asks," didn't you tell me the the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"
    He replies, "yes ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the duck call is $11.00, and the catfish bait is $3.50."
    She paid it and left without saying a word.
     
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  49. Mike H.

    Mike H. Gold Contributor Member For 2 Years

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  50. Kingboomer

    Kingboomer Silver Contributor Member For 2 Years

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    Your daddy's so old that when Moses parted the red sea he was on the other side fishing!
     
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