Yeah, high gauge wire is a real PITA. Best thickness for a convenient use is 0.4MM (IDK what gauge that maybe) IMHO. I would love to use even lower gauge wire, but i am still not a master in rebuilding, and i only get worse results than using 0.4MM. I will get some flat wire, to extend the surface area, without massive low gauge wire.
Thanks for wishes. Sadly my childhood was even much more fucked up, than most people could imagine or believe to be true. But even with a psychology disordered father, trying to murder my sister, mother and me on about 5 times in 6 years, seeing cruellest violence of rapes, tried bludgeoning to death, fire attacks, and my sister being misused till she was physically disabled, and seeing my father still being free because of him working in law enforcement; Even will all that shit, fucking myself up with borderline, depressions, suicidal tendencies, and a sociopathic disorder; even will all that fuckup, i found my way through all that darkness that seemed to be all life held for me.
Only love is stronger than all that hate, the fear, the depressions. The hope, that someday it will be possible for me, to leave all that darkness behind, by having something inside, that you need so badly, that you no longer care how hard your way may be.. Something, that you can and will never give up, if there still is the slightest hope; something, that proves to you, that nothing is set and done, and everything is possible. Even for me.
I know, that i can only live this dream, when i work myself through all the things everyone with those memories wants to forget. Since nearly 20 years, i am confronting myself with the past, with all the darkness that seems to consume and assimilate yourself. I know, that only understanding of myself and the past, psychological understandings can be fundamental for a stable and healthy personality. Running away, the reflex every human has in this situation, wont help in the long term. At first yes, but at the end it only prevents yourself from self acceptance, and for that reason from therapy and real progress. Sadly nearly all humans in this psychological challenge of solving traumatic experiences, follow their instinct, and sadly the most therapists are quite helpful with small, standard type diseases, but have no real feeling and therefore understandings of more challenging traumas.
I am luckly i found a good therapists, but sadly he currently isnt allowed to work with me, as i am still in methadone substitution. At the end every one with those issues need to find their own way, learn to make choices consciously based on their own circumstances of going a way of self therapy.
I am lucky, i always was someone, who loves to learn, and who believed in science, and was interested in psychology, philosophy, and everything that tries to solve the puzzle, that our human existence is. Without that interest, and my hope and desire to find a woman that i can share all the light and darkness in my; a woman that can understand and love myself just the sometimes fucked up, often understanding, loving, and caring person that i am.
But my biggest luck definitely was to actually find this woman, even if i wasnt ready at that time, and even if we both still struggle since six years, to work through all the obstacles. I know now, that one day, everything will fall off me, even if my history will and should always be a part of me. I know now, that nothing is set, and that everything is possible, even if it is one of the most challenging ways humans every could have to face.
Sadly our society is not even near to the point, where people really could understand, what people with such traumatic lifes really need, and how all people would have to change, to really give the most affected people a chance to get to the point where i am luckily. Most ppl in "therapy" are just learning from their doctors, how to run away from their memories. They learn, how to look happy on the outside, but the life in denial, and in reality their problems are still present, waiting for the next big challenges in life like death of a friend or family, where the problems pop out again, more pressing and challenging then ever.
For this reason of the bad medical support, i am currently preparing to get my high school diploma on the night school, and after that, studying psychology, neuro-psychology and philosophy.
But maybe even more important, i am currently preparing to open a blog, where i write about people like me, about things and people, that sadly are not really present in the main stream media and the conscious of the society. So i can channel my energy in a positive way, have at least the feeling or illusion, i could make a small change and an achievement for people like me, and i can and will focus on learning for my own understanding and self therapy.
Sry for offtopic, but it is a good feeling to write and speak it out.. Maybe someone can have a little inspiration or benefit fo this words..
Thanks! Glad i could help.
