This isn't a joke but you may find humor in it-
Back in the Myspace days, I was what you might call a womanizer, I called myself a player, but tomatoe tomato right?
How it happened was, this girl, (her name was Jamie too), she had hit me up, apparently she had seen some of my art and read some of my stuff,
whatever, I was only concerned with how she looked and if she wanted to "hook-up". I played along though, ya never know, even if she wasn't passable, maybe she had a friend, right? As it turns out, we hit it off real good, and from some of her picks..... BOY HOWDY the good Lord had blessed her fine!
She was funny, a true smart ass, always had a comeback and she had this way with innuendoes. I'm a sucker for shit like that. The more we talked, the more I saw her as a legitimate threat, like I could maybe get exclusive with someone like her.
One night, i was talking about my work, being sore, hating on lazy coworkers and what not, and she says "You never asked me what I do for a living, Jamie" I kind of felt like a heal, there I had been droning on about my shit and hadn't even had the consideration to ask her about what she does, so I says, "Okay, I'm game, what do you do for a living Miss Jamie?"
Well tickle me taint, she was an exotic dancer (that's a stripper in laymen's terms)!!
Now let me tell ya, I've always loved me some strippers, and who wouldn't? They go out, night after night, put up with endless amounts of douchebags, shake their butts and jiggle them tittays, and they are never, NEVER, looking for a relationship. That spoke to me, back in them days. Now, I'm interested, and I decide to turn it up on 'er. One thing leads to another and somewhere along the line I says, "You ever scream out your own name during sex... Jamie?"
Then in this frikkin sexy, seductive voice she replies, "not yet", and I was like "Gimme that address woman!"
Well pinch me pickle, She did, and at 2 in the am I was off like a fat kid for the last piece of cake.
Then it started, not five minutes after I leave, she calls, asking if I was gonna be okay if she was short. WTF? I tell her I'm the last guy to give a fuck about your height, I'm only 5'7" myself and I'm driving, I got to get off the phone
So I'm a drivin', and not but three, maybe five minutes later, she calls again. Talking about how she doesn't want for me to be like "most guys" and leave her feeling like some kind of "object"... WTF?! Seriously? I'm thinking to myself, what the hell is up with this chick? She's a stripper, she knows I just want in them panties, I told her I just want in them panties, she asked me to come and get INTO HER PANTIES, and now before we even meet, she's flipping scripts, like this?! So I reassure her, "Nah baby, you know we hit it off real good, I'm gonna come show you, your just anxious hunny, enhance that calm I'll be there directly" and I hang up, cuz I'm fuckin driving right?
Her place wasn't that far away, 20 minute drive, I was off the highway and about to turn into her neighborhood when the phone rings again! Now I had told her to be listening for my truck, with them dual glass packs and that big block you could hear me coming from a mile off, so I figured, maybe I'm close. When I answered I said "Can you hear me baby?" But no, fuck no, she was still on this paranoid thing, talking about being worried I was gonna bail, and TBH I knew I should, but...
(Y'all single guys listen to this part real good,
this is truth right here,
I wouldn't steer ya wrong....)
I knew this chick was crazy, and I knew, for an absolute FACT, the crazier they are, the hotter they are in the sack. That's no lie. You meet a girl with Bi-polar disorder that's schizophrenic and taking lithium and antidepressants with some anti psychotics and she will tear, your, dick, up.
Now, there is an off chance that she will literally "tear it up", but that my friends, is the chance you have to take, if you want to experience all of the wonderful pleasures of life. Sometimes ya win, and life is good, real good, ridin' high. Sometimes, you wake up tied to a hotel bed with no clothes, your wallet stolen, and some "unsavory" looking folk, staring at ya with longing in their eyes. But I digress, back to the story...
Well, I'm making my way through this neighborhood and we're talking on the phone, I told her to go outside and talk me in cuz she'd be able to hear me. All the whiles she's telling me about some dude that she had been talking to for weeks from MySpace, and how when he met her he just up and bailed out of the blue. I'm thinking that's what ya get for hooking up with people from Myspace ya twit. (The irony right?)
Then out of nowhere, BAM!!
Suddenly I'm slamming my brakes, smoking tires because some dumbass little kid is just wandering around in the street on a cell phone! Now I'm screaming out the window "YOU STUPID LITTLE FUCK GET OUT OF THE ROAD!"
I just about ran over someones kid! Who let's their kid out at this hour? WHAT IN THE LITERAL FUCK?
I can barely hear her saying something and I yell into the phone, "Hold on a second some little shit's in the middle of the fucking road and I just about ran em over!!"
Then it hit me..
I could hear my voice echoing on the phone.
Slowly the realization starts to form into an understanding when in my ear I hear,
"That's me you dumbass, and I ain't no little kid!"
Okay, so there I am, kind of in disbelief. I parked ole whitey and hopped out. She was saying something, I'm not sure what, kinda think I was in a daze. First thing I can recollect that she said was, "I knew you'd freak out"
I remember thinking to myself, "This chick ain't short, she's a midget" (I know, I know.. "Little person") But I told her, "Nah, I'm good, you just gave me a fright, me almost running you over and what not." Well, I couldn't just up and leave, I mean I was a known douchebag, but not heartless, and we had hit it off so well, chatting and on the phone. She asked if I wanted a beer and I gave her the standard "That was rhetorical right?" We get a few beers down, and sort of fell right back into the groove we had had on the phone, laughing and joking, flirting, and exchanging innuendoes. Then, out of nowhere, she hops up, goes over and starts looking at my Bronco (Whitey), so I go over with her and ask what she's doing and she says "We gonna get in this truck and go fuck or are you scared of a little midget pussy?"....
I have never, not once, that I can recollect, been at a loss for words. But there I was, speechless. I mean what do you say to that? Now my mind is racing. On one hand, everything about this girl, up until I actually met her, was exactly what I was looking for. Witty? Check. Funny? Check. Sexy, a freak, intelligent, sarcastic, honest, empathetic, REAL?? All of them, check. But how could I take her back to the casa and face my roommates in the morning? I mean, they always called me the midget, and everyone knows that having sex with a midget was on my bucket list, but that wasn't real. It was always just a joke, maybe in poor taste, a joke none the less.
Here was this girl, that very obviously had had a rough time of it. Been treated like shit so many times she found the need to call me three times on my way there. From the moment I got out of the truck, I could feel her defenses,. She was wary, but she was brave too. Brave enough to push on and make a play at me. She had the guts to call me out and even call herself a midget whilst she challenged me. Sure she was a horny bird but ain't they all? She had the balls to take things this far and now I was trying to find mine.
So what do you do? Tell ya what I did. Her names Jamie, and she screamed it boy lemme tell ya. Best four hours of sex of my life and it was fun.
And I know exactly what you're thinking, "Four hours your ass", and that's okay, you can doubt it. Let me just say this, and then I'm done-
It was the tiny hands. For those four hours I was John MotherFucking Holmes and I ain't ashamed to admit it. So much fun, like going to the circus and you win all the prizes, the rides are free and the clowns have tittays.
On a side note-
I took Jamie home about 11 that morning, went to Denny's, screwed her some more in my Bronco in front of her parents house, it was AWESOME. When I got home, my room mates were both up. Tim asked me what in the hell all the noises were, said it sounded like animal planet with the volume all the way up. His brother, one of my best and dearest friends, Jimmy, he pulled me aside, which was weird, totally out of character for Jimmy. Almost in a whisper he says to me "Man Jamie, I swear I'm never drinking Vodka again, I got up in the middle of the night to take a piss, and I could swear I saw a naked midget with giant tits go into your room. I ain't never seen things before from being drunk but it was weird. Did you have someone over?"
I told em "Yeah bro, I fucked a midget last night, we did it like monkeys all over this place, sorry about your couch."
He didn't believe me for days, not until Jamie showed up at a party, ever since that party, I've been known as the "midget fucker".
It's a double entendre...