WINNERS ANNOUNCED: The First Annual WISE-ASS Contest

[Zamazam]

A young man has always dreamed on owning a Harley Davidson. One day he has finally saved up enough money so he goes down to the dealer. After picking out the perfect bike the dealer warns him that if he leaves his Harley in the rain the chrome has a tendency to rust. He tells the young man an old biker's trick is to keep a jar of Vaseline handy and smear it on the chrome if the bike must be left out in the rain.

A few months later the young man meets a woman and falls in love. She asks him to come home and meet her parents over dinner. He readily agrees and the date is set. At the appointed time he picks her up on his Harley and they ride to her parents house. Before they go in she tells him that they have a family tradition that whoever speaks first after dinner must do the dishes.

After a delicious dinner everyone sits in silence waiting for the first person to break and get stuck doing the dishes. After a long fifteen minutes the young man decides to speed things up so he reaches over and kisses the
woman in front of her family.

And no one says a word...! Next he decides to take a more direct approach so he throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of everyone. And still no one says a word...!!! Now he is getting desperate, so he grabs her mother and throws her on the table. They have even wilder sex. But no one says a word...!!!!

By now he is getting very worried and is wondering what to do next when he hears thunder in the distance. His first thought is to protect the chrome on his Harley, so he reaches in his pocket and pulls out the Vaseline. And the father says, "Okay dammit, I'll do the dishes.

 

[InMyImage]

If I say "NEET!, NEET!" would you know the movie?

The, but I know the movie where they say "Ni Ni"

 

[Zamazam]

The, but I know the movie where they say "Ni Ni"

Yep, we covered that earlier in the thread.

 

[WiSilverVape]

Or this??

Q: How many vapers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: 3 - one to recoil it, one to review it, and one to video the tutorial.
.
.
.

you forgot the fourth one that declares "this bulb lights like a fucking freight train"

 

[skocha361]

What do you get when you cross a rhino with an elephant?

'Ell if I know!


(elephino)

 

[ghost62]

What's the difference between a duck and a duck?

Social Security.

Get it?

 

[Huckleberried]

(Might be a repeat to some of you.)

A duck walks into a grocery store and approaches the manager.
Duck: Got any duck food?
Manager: No we don't sell duck food.
Duck leaves.
The following day, the duck walks into the same grocery store, approaches the same manager.
Duck: Got any duck food?
Manager: No. I told you yesterday, we don't sell duck food.
Duck: OK.
Duck leaves.
Again, the following day, the ducks walks back into the grocery store, approaches the manager.
Duck: Got any duck food?
Manager: No!! Now get out of here, or I'll nail your feet to the floor!
The next day, yet, again, the duck walks into the same grocery store, approaches the same manager.
Duck: Got any nails?
Manager: What?! NO! We don't have any nails!! Now, leave or I'm calling the cops!
Duck: Got any duck food?

 

[LouPop13]

Q: What do you get when you cross a Donkey with an Onion??

A: A piece of @$$ that will bring tears to your eyes!!
.
.
.

 

[vaperature]

What's the difference between a duck and a duck?

Social Security.

Get it?

No.

 

[rbeckys8]

did you hear about the blonde who climbed the chain link fence to see what was on the other side?

 

[Zamazam]

Q: What do you get when you cross Godzilla and a parrot?
A: I don’t know, but if he asks for a cracker, give it to him!

 

[Mike H.]

Superman was flying around the city and saw wonder woman sunbathing on top of her penthouse condo...Superman thinks to himself."im so fast i could swoop down and get me some and be gone before she even knew what happened"

So he swoops down and gets him some..Wonder woman says "what was that?"..The invisible man said "I dont know but my ass sure is sore.

 

[Mike H.]

This old couple been married for 50 years...they were swinging on the front porch swing and the old lady popped the old man on the back of the head...the old man asked "what was that for honey?"...the old lady responded "for 50 years of bad sex"...The old man shook his head and they get back to swinging...Next thing you know the old man popped the old lady on the back of the head..The old lady responded with "Now what was that for?"...The old man responded.."for knowing the difference".

 

[Shawn.freeman50]

Now that's funny! !

Edit: Even though it was really funny I had to edit out the photo in order to not offend the ladies
VU Moderation Team

 

[LouPop13]

This is a story that Ian Anderson, the leader of the British rock group Jethro Tull told during a
concert. The concert was in Detroit, although that is not important to know in order to follow
along.

One day, the drummer of Jethro Tull, who was named Barry Barlow, showed up for a
rehearsal wearing a pair of kilts that he had purchased during the band's recent tour of
Scotland. Ian Anderson, who as I said before is the leader of the group, was curious as to what
a person wears under a kilt. So, he said to Barry, "Hey Barry, what have you got under your
kilt?"

So, Barry said to Ian Anderson, "Well, why don't you stoop down, stick your head under and
take a look". And Ian Anderson did so and, as he later reported, with a big toothy grin, to the
crowd at the concert, "I have to tell you that what I saw was gruesome. And, as I looked at it,
it grew some more!"
.
.
.

 

[Zamazam]

A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner. Both he and his wife decide that they won’t tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess. Of course, the kids are eager to know what the meat is. They ask their dad for the clue.

“Well,” he says, “It’s what mommy calls me sometimes.”

The little girl screams, “Don’t eat it! It’s a fucking asshole!!”


***From Buddy Hackett***
A rich, old, divorced man marries a hot, young thing, much to the dismay of his family. They think she’s a gold digger. In reality, she really loves the man, but when they try to consummate the marriage, she’s devastated that he can no longer maintain an erection. (This is pre-Viagra, of course.) However, she stays faithful and grows to love him more each day, despite the lack of sex. The man feels awful.

Some months later, he reads an article in a magazine about a doctor in Argentina who performs a special surgery just for men with his problem. The doctor takes the trunk from a stillborn baby elephant, and implants it on the man in place of his penis. The operation costs nearly $500,000—but the success rate is 100%. After a bit of thought, the man rushes to the doctor and has the procedure done.

When he returns and begins to fool around with his wife, she is astounded by the surprise his pants hold. They make wild, passionate love that night. And the next. The trunk does not disappoint. Two, three, four times a night. The trunk is everything both of them could have ever wanted. They have sex everywhere, at all hours of the day. The man’s impotence is cured.

It takes a long while, but eventually the family realizes that this girl might just love the old man after all. The matriarch of the family, the man’s ex-wife, throws a Christmas dinner party and invites them both to come. She’s prepared a multi-course meal: turkey, stuffing, potatoes, corn, cranberry sauce—the works. The conversation, laughter, and wine flow. The old man’s new wife is nervous, so she drinks the wine a little too quickly. Her nose tingles.

As they sit with the family and exchange stories, everyone marvels at how vibrant their relationship is. Titillated at the prospect of his ex-wife sitting a few feet away (and also feeling the alcohol coursing through her veins), she begins longing for the feel of the man’s huge, stiff trunk. She begins to rub her man’s leg and feels the trunk begin to rise. She pulls the tablecloth over his lap and unzips his pants. Surreptitiously, she strokes him slowly—and suddenly, the trunk bursts out from under the tablecloth and reaches up onto the table. It grabs a potato, grips it firmly, and swings back down under the table with a whoosh and a thud.

Needless to say, the conversation stops cold. Shocked family members gaze at where the trunk had just pilfered the potato. Then they all stare at the man, who has a pained and confused look on his face.

“What in God’s name just happened here? What was that?” the man’s ex-wife blurts out. The new wife tries to calm them, asking that nobody panic.

“It’s my new penis,” the man admits slowly. “It’s the trunk of a baby elephant implanted over my member.”

The family is shocked. But one was curious. “Do it again!” blurts out his young nephew. “I want to see it again!”

“I don’t think so.”

“C’mon! Let’s see that thing!” shouts his niece, sitting next to the nephew and all 16 guests. “It was huge!”

“I’m afraid I can’t.”

By this time, everyone wants to see this miracle again. Even the man’s ex-wife. They all start shouting and goading him on. “Do it! Show it!”

“Enough!” the man finally shouts. “First, this is extremely embarrassing and I don’t think I could bear it. But more importantly, I really don’t think there’s room in my ass for another potato.”

 

[simplynewt]

The President Is Giving His State Of The Union Speech Tonight....

Simply Newt

 

[mudram99]

Last weekend I saw something at Larry’s Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife, Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety….??
WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I’d get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn’t be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat, Gracie, looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.
Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I’m looking at this little device measuring about 5′ long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, ‘no possible way!’
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I’ll do my best…?
I’m sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, ‘don’t do it, dipshit,’ reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn’t hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . .HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!!
I’m pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through he side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles no where to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?
The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
Note: If you ever feel compelled to ‘mug’ yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative?
SON-OF-A-BITCH, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!
A minute or so later (I can’t be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I shit myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I’m still looking for my nuts and I’m offering a significant reward for their safe return!!
P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it

 

[LouPop13]

For all the Cat Lover's out there...

A cat dies and goes to Heaven. God meets him at the gate and says, 'You've been a good cat all of these years. Anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask.'

The cats says, 'Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors.' God says, 'Say no more.' And instantly, a fluffy pillow appears. A few days later, 6 mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to Heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer that He made the cat.

The mice said, 'All our lives we've had to run. We've been chased by cats, dogs and even women with brooms. If we could only have a pair of roller skates, we wouldn't have to run anymore.' God says, 'Say no more.' And instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates.

About a week later, God decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow. God gently wakes him and asks,

'How are you doing? Are you happy here?'

The cat yawns and stretches and says, 'Oh, I've never been happier in my life. And those 'Meals on Wheels' you've been sending over are the best!'

 

[jamieg71]

A terrorist, a pedophile, and a politician all jump off the Empire state building at the same time. Which one hits the ground first?

 

[vaperature]

A terrorist, a pedophile, and a politician all jump off the Empire state building at the same time. Which one hits the ground first?

Who cares??

 

[jamieg71]

Dingdingdingding We ave a winnar!!

 

[jamieg71]

So if you have a donkey, and I have a rooster, and your donkey eats my rooster, what'll you have?
Never mind, maybe inappropriate

 

[vaperature]

So if you have a donkey, and I have a rooster, and your donkey eats my rooster, what'll you have?
Never mind, maybe inappropriate

Inappropriate? Now you HAVE to let us know.

 

[mudram99]

Inappropriate? Now you HAVE to let us know.

Vaperature, that was a joke right?

 

[vaperature]

Vaperature, that was a joke right?

Ok figured it out for myself.

 

[Huckleberried]

Did you have to use pictures?




I kid, I kid.

 

[vaperature]

Did you have to use pictures?




I kid, I kid.

Okay I'm slow lol, duh.

 

[Midniteoyl]

So if you have a donkey, and I have a rooster, and your donkey eats my rooster, what'll you have?
Never mind, maybe inappropriate

 

[Zamazam]

A terrorist, a pedophile, and a politician all jump off the Empire state building at the same time. Which one hits the ground first?

The politician of course. They don't seem to obey the laws of nature...

 

[Huckleberried]

When your average guy loses his khakis, he can't find his pants.
When a guy from Boston loses his khakis, he can't start his car.
(Say it out loud, it'll make more sense. No offense Boston peeps.)


Since I heard this one, I can no longer say khakis without giggling.

 

[LouPop13]

This one is for the Dog Lovers...

(have to give them equal time!)

A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead.
He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them.

After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight.

When he was standing before it he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother-of-pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold. He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk behind the gate.

When he was close enough, he called out, "Excuse me, where are we?"

"This is Heaven, sir," the man answered.

"Wow! Would you happen to have some water?" the man asked.

"Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up."
The man gestured, and the gate began to open.

"Can my friend," gesturing toward his dog, "come in, too?" the traveler asked.

"I'm sorry, sir, but we don't allow pets."

The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going with his dog.

After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road leading through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence.

As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book.

"Excuse me!" he called to the man. "Do you have any water?"

"Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there, come on in."

"How about my friend here?" the traveler gestured to the dog.

"There should be a bowl by the pump."

They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it.
The traveler filled the water bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog.
When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree.

"What do you call this place?" the traveler asked.

"This is Heaven," he answered.

"Well, that's confusing," the traveler said. "The man down the road said that was Heaven, too."

"Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That's Hell."

"Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?"

"No, we're just happy that they screen out the folks who would leave their best friends behind."

 

[Robert B]

A very wealthy man named John was lying on his death bed. Gathered around his bed were his 3 best friends in life that he grew up since kids. One grew up to be a Preacher, one a Doctor, and the other a Lawyer.

John told them, I've have become very wealthy in my life, I've set up my Wife and Children, and donated the rest to charities, but I have one request of each of you. They guys said, of course John, anything you want. John says, there are three bags sitting on the floor over there, and each bag contains 200,000 in cash. It's all that's left of my millions, and I want to be buried with that. It's my only request. The guys all said "of course, thats the least we can do".

So at the funeral, the Preacher, the Doctor and the Lawyer each placed their bags in the casket and said their goodbyes. They decided to go out for coffee and reminisce about their childhood friend John.

They were sitting around the table talking, and the Preacher said "guys, I have something to confess". The Church was in bad need of some repairs so I took 50,000 dollars out of the bag and replaced it with newspaper, I didn't think John would mind. The other guys said, "how could you, John was our best friend and he asked one simple thing of you and you let him down".

The Doctor broke in and said, "I have something to confess too". The Children's Hospital was in bad need of funding to finish the wing on the cancer ward, so I took 100,000 out of the bag and replaced it with newspaper.

The Lawyer stood up and started yelling at the other two, "You guys let down our best friend, he ask only one thing of you ever in his life, and you had to go do this. I am ashamed to be your friends"....

The Doctor looked up at the Lawyer and said, "so I suppose you put the entire 200,000 in the casket, right"? The Lawyer said Yup. I took out all 200,000, and wrote him a check.

 

[kelli]

a priest decides to go for a walk around town one night. he walks past a woman and she says "blow job? $25".
he doesn't know what that is so he keeps walking. he walks past another woman who says "blow job? $25". the priest, befuddled, ignores her and walks on. he decides to return to the parish and upon entering, the mother superior asks where he had been.
"just took a walk around the neighborhood" he answered.
"see anything interesting?"she asked.
"Not really, but i do have one question. What's a blow job?"
"$25....same as in town"

 

[jamieg71]

Now that's funny right there

 

[jamieg71]

This isn't a joke but you may find humor in it-
Back in the Myspace days, I was what you might call a womanizer, I called myself a player, but tomatoe tomato right?
How it happened was, this girl, (her name was Jamie too), she had hit me up, apparently she had seen some of my art and read some of my stuff,
whatever, I was only concerned with how she looked and if she wanted to "hook-up". I played along though, ya never know, even if she wasn't passable, maybe she had a friend, right? As it turns out, we hit it off real good, and from some of her picks..... BOY HOWDY the good Lord had blessed her fine!
She was funny, a true smart ass, always had a comeback and she had this way with innuendoes. I'm a sucker for shit like that. The more we talked, the more I saw her as a legitimate threat, like I could maybe get exclusive with someone like her.

One night, i was talking about my work, being sore, hating on lazy coworkers and what not, and she says "You never asked me what I do for a living, Jamie" I kind of felt like a heal, there I had been droning on about my shit and hadn't even had the consideration to ask her about what she does, so I says, "Okay, I'm game, what do you do for a living Miss Jamie?"
Well tickle me taint, she was an exotic dancer (that's a stripper in laymen's terms)!!

Now let me tell ya, I've always loved me some strippers, and who wouldn't? They go out, night after night, put up with endless amounts of douchebags, shake their butts and jiggle them tittays, and they are never, NEVER, looking for a relationship. That spoke to me, back in them days. Now, I'm interested, and I decide to turn it up on 'er. One thing leads to another and somewhere along the line I says, "You ever scream out your own name during sex... Jamie?"
Then in this frikkin sexy, seductive voice she replies, "not yet", and I was like "Gimme that address woman!"
Well pinch me pickle, She did, and at 2 in the am I was off like a fat kid for the last piece of cake.

Then it started, not five minutes after I leave, she calls, asking if I was gonna be okay if she was short. WTF? I tell her I'm the last guy to give a fuck about your height, I'm only 5'7" myself and I'm driving, I got to get off the phone
So I'm a drivin', and not but three, maybe five minutes later, she calls again. Talking about how she doesn't want for me to be like "most guys" and leave her feeling like some kind of "object"... WTF?! Seriously? I'm thinking to myself, what the hell is up with this chick? She's a stripper, she knows I just want in them panties, I told her I just want in them panties, she asked me to come and get INTO HER PANTIES, and now before we even meet, she's flipping scripts, like this?! So I reassure her, "Nah baby, you know we hit it off real good, I'm gonna come show you, your just anxious hunny, enhance that calm I'll be there directly" and I hang up, cuz I'm fuckin driving right?

Her place wasn't that far away, 20 minute drive, I was off the highway and about to turn into her neighborhood when the phone rings again! Now I had told her to be listening for my truck, with them dual glass packs and that big block you could hear me coming from a mile off, so I figured, maybe I'm close. When I answered I said "Can you hear me baby?" But no, fuck no, she was still on this paranoid thing, talking about being worried I was gonna bail, and TBH I knew I should, but...
(Y'all single guys listen to this part real good,
this is truth right here,
I wouldn't steer ya wrong....)
I knew this chick was crazy, and I knew, for an absolute FACT, the crazier they are, the hotter they are in the sack. That's no lie. You meet a girl with Bi-polar disorder that's schizophrenic and taking lithium and antidepressants with some anti psychotics and she will tear, your, dick, up.
Now, there is an off chance that she will literally "tear it up", but that my friends, is the chance you have to take, if you want to experience all of the wonderful pleasures of life. Sometimes ya win, and life is good, real good, ridin' high. Sometimes, you wake up tied to a hotel bed with no clothes, your wallet stolen, and some "unsavory" looking folk, staring at ya with longing in their eyes. But I digress, back to the story...

Well, I'm making my way through this neighborhood and we're talking on the phone, I told her to go outside and talk me in cuz she'd be able to hear me. All the whiles she's telling me about some dude that she had been talking to for weeks from MySpace, and how when he met her he just up and bailed out of the blue. I'm thinking that's what ya get for hooking up with people from Myspace ya twit. (The irony right?)
Then out of nowhere, BAM!!
Suddenly I'm slamming my brakes, smoking tires because some dumbass little kid is just wandering around in the street on a cell phone! Now I'm screaming out the window "YOU STUPID LITTLE FUCK GET OUT OF THE ROAD!"
I just about ran over someones kid! Who let's their kid out at this hour? WHAT IN THE LITERAL FUCK?
I can barely hear her saying something and I yell into the phone, "Hold on a second some little shit's in the middle of the fucking road and I just about ran em over!!"
Then it hit me..
I could hear my voice echoing on the phone.
Slowly the realization starts to form into an understanding when in my ear I hear,
"That's me you dumbass, and I ain't no little kid!"
Okay, so there I am, kind of in disbelief. I parked ole whitey and hopped out. She was saying something, I'm not sure what, kinda think I was in a daze. First thing I can recollect that she said was, "I knew you'd freak out"

I remember thinking to myself, "This chick ain't short, she's a midget" (I know, I know.. "Little person") But I told her, "Nah, I'm good, you just gave me a fright, me almost running you over and what not." Well, I couldn't just up and leave, I mean I was a known douchebag, but not heartless, and we had hit it off so well, chatting and on the phone. She asked if I wanted a beer and I gave her the standard "That was rhetorical right?" We get a few beers down, and sort of fell right back into the groove we had had on the phone, laughing and joking, flirting, and exchanging innuendoes. Then, out of nowhere, she hops up, goes over and starts looking at my Bronco (Whitey), so I go over with her and ask what she's doing and she says "We gonna get in this truck and go fuck or are you scared of a little midget pussy?"....

I have never, not once, that I can recollect, been at a loss for words. But there I was, speechless. I mean what do you say to that? Now my mind is racing. On one hand, everything about this girl, up until I actually met her, was exactly what I was looking for. Witty? Check. Funny? Check. Sexy, a freak, intelligent, sarcastic, honest, empathetic, REAL?? All of them, check. But how could I take her back to the casa and face my roommates in the morning? I mean, they always called me the midget, and everyone knows that having sex with a midget was on my bucket list, but that wasn't real. It was always just a joke, maybe in poor taste, a joke none the less.

Here was this girl, that very obviously had had a rough time of it. Been treated like shit so many times she found the need to call me three times on my way there. From the moment I got out of the truck, I could feel her defenses,. She was wary, but she was brave too. Brave enough to push on and make a play at me. She had the guts to call me out and even call herself a midget whilst she challenged me. Sure she was a horny bird but ain't they all? She had the balls to take things this far and now I was trying to find mine.

So what do you do? Tell ya what I did. Her names Jamie, and she screamed it boy lemme tell ya. Best four hours of sex of my life and it was fun.
And I know exactly what you're thinking, "Four hours your ass", and that's okay, you can doubt it. Let me just say this, and then I'm done-
It was the tiny hands. For those four hours I was John MotherFucking Holmes and I ain't ashamed to admit it. So much fun, like going to the circus and you win all the prizes, the rides are free and the clowns have tittays.


On a side note-
I took Jamie home about 11 that morning, went to Denny's, screwed her some more in my Bronco in front of her parents house, it was AWESOME. When I got home, my room mates were both up. Tim asked me what in the hell all the noises were, said it sounded like animal planet with the volume all the way up. His brother, one of my best and dearest friends, Jimmy, he pulled me aside, which was weird, totally out of character for Jimmy. Almost in a whisper he says to me "Man Jamie, I swear I'm never drinking Vodka again, I got up in the middle of the night to take a piss, and I could swear I saw a naked midget with giant tits go into your room. I ain't never seen things before from being drunk but it was weird. Did you have someone over?"
I told em "Yeah bro, I fucked a midget last night, we did it like monkeys all over this place, sorry about your couch."
He didn't believe me for days, not until Jamie showed up at a party, ever since that party, I've been known as the "midget fucker".
It's a double entendre...

 

[LouPop13]

A blonde decides to get a porno movie, so she goes to the store and picks one with a fairly dirty title.
When she puts the DVD in and presses 'PLAY,' the screen is fuzzy and nothing is going on.
Frustrated, she calls the store about the movie.
They ask her what the title is, and she replies, "Head Cleaner".

 

[ghost62]

A highly recruited high school football player was visiting schools to find the best university for him. His first stop was at the University of Michigan.

When he got there, the new head coach Jim Harbaugh immediately picked up a golden telephone. After talking for several minutes, he said,

"Thank you, God" and hung up. This shocked the young man. He asked the coach what was so special about the golden phone.

"Well, this phone is a direct line to God," Harbaugh said. "God tells us whether or not new recruits would be stars at our university."

The athlete asked if he could use the phone to ask God what college he should pick.

"Sure, you can!," Harbaugh said, "But it's going to cost you $2,000. Calling Heaven isn't cheap."

The fellow didn't have that kind of money, so he moved along. His next stop was at the Michigan State University. Upon entering coach Mark Dantonio’s office, coach Dantonio immediately picked up a similar golden telephone. After talking several minutes, he said, "Thank you, God" and hung up.

The boy said, "Hey, I've seen those phones before. Can I use yours to call God and ask what college I should pick?"

Coach Dantonio said, "Sure, but it's going to cost you $1,000. Calling Heaven isn't cheap."

Again, not having that kind of money, the young man left. Who would want to live in Michigan anyway? His last stop was in Columbus at Ohio State University. Upon arrival at the office, Coach Urban Meyer picked up a golden telephone, talked to God, and said, "Thanks," and hung up.

The boy just had to use that phone, so he said, "Coach Meyer, I really need to use that golden telephone so I can call God and ask him which college I should choose. At the University of Michigan it was going to cost me $2,000. At Michigan State they wanted $1,000. So how much will it cost me to call Heaven from here at Ohio State?"

Coach Meyer smiled and said,"Nothing, son. It's a local call."

 

[ghost62]

No.

Of course you don't.
You're not 65 yet

 

[vaperature]

A highly recruited high school football player was visiting schools to find the best university for him. His first stop was at the University of Michigan.

When he got there, the new head coach Jim Harbaugh immediately picked up a golden telephone. After talking for several minutes, he said,

"Thank you, God" and hung up. This shocked the young man. He asked the coach what was so special about the golden phone.

"Well, this phone is a direct line to God," Harbaugh said. "God tells us whether or not new recruits would be stars at our university."

The athlete asked if he could use the phone to ask God what college he should pick.

"Sure, you can!," Harbaugh said, "But it's going to cost you $2,000. Calling Heaven isn't cheap."

The fellow didn't have that kind of money, so he moved along. His next stop was at the Michigan State University. Upon entering coach Mark Dantonio’s office, coach Dantonio immediately picked up a similar golden telephone. After talking several minutes, he said, "Thank you, God" and hung up.

The boy said, "Hey, I've seen those phones before. Can I use yours to call God and ask what college I should pick?"

Coach Dantonio said, "Sure, but it's going to cost you $1,000. Calling Heaven isn't cheap."

Again, not having that kind of money, the young man left. Who would want to live in Michigan anyway? His last stop was in Columbus at Ohio State University. Upon arrival at the office, Coach Urban Meyer picked up a golden telephone, talked to God, and said, "Thanks," and hung up.

The boy just had to use that phone, so he said, "Coach Meyer, I really need to use that golden telephone so I can call God and ask him which college I should choose. At the University of Michigan it was going to cost me $2,000. At Michigan State they wanted $1,000. So how much will it cost me to call Heaven from here at Ohio State?"

Coach Meyer smiled and said,"Nothing, son. It's a local call."

I heard a different version of this joke . . . oh never mind.

 

[Huckleberried]

I heard a different version of this joke . . . oh never mind.

Yeah, he told told it wrong. That last college was the University of Kentucky. Go Cats!

 

[LouPop13]

PEEPING TOM

This girl I know lives on the 4th floor of an apartment,
and even though it is a fairly good neighborhood,
she has been having trouble with a Peeping Tom
that lives next door...

Every time she goes out on her balcony to catch a bit of sun while wearing her bikini, this Peeping Tom looks over from his balcony as soon as she removes her top, and stares at her...

She has complained to the superintendent about this
Peeping Tom, but he says she must have positive proof
before he can do a thing --

She FINALLY got a picture of him while he was staring at her........
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

 

[LouPop13]

It's been 24 hrs. and nobody else has posted... Whatssamatta??
You peeps run out of jokes already???

 

[dantefire]

The night before Christmas, a young girl, uneducated in the ways of sex or swearing, was awakened by the sounds of her parents screwing in the adjacent bedroom. Although they tried to be quiet, in addition to the occasional moan she overheard her father exclaim "oh baby, I just love your tits!" In response the wife exclaimed "and I love your giant cock!"

The next morning after all the presents had been opened, the little girl asked her father what tits were. In a panick the father replied, "that's just what we call an appetizer, darling!" as he hurried upstairs to get himself ready for his family to arrive for their Christmas gathering. Her mother came into the room, and the little girl asked, "Momma, what's a cock?" The mother hastily replied "it's just another word for a present, sweetie."

The young girl went upstairs to get dressed for the gathering, and as she passed by the bathroom her father accidentally cut himself shaving and exclaimed "Shit!" The little girl popped her head in the bathroom and asked her father what shit meant. "I'm shaving right now honey, go get dressed."

Once dressed, the girl went back downstairs, and as she passed by the kitchen, her mother nicked her finger with a knife as she was cutting vegetables to stuff inside the turkey, exclaiming "Fuck!" As she dropped the knife. The little girl popped her head in the kitchen and asked her mother what fuck meant. "Not now honey, I'm trying to cook the turkey."

A short while later the doorbell rang, and the little girl ran to let their guests inside the house. As she opened the door she exclaimed "Merry Christmas everyone! Let's put those tits on the table and your dicks under the tree. Daddy's upstairs shitting and Momma's fucking the turkey!"

D.

 

[madmonkey]

I don't know a lot of jokes, most of my humor comes from the spontaneousness of a moment and y'all told the good ones I know so I am going to tell a Texas tall tale that all little Texan boys and girls learn...and I feel one step closer to hell for saying every time I repeat it....

A British ambassador, A French ambassador, A Mexican ambassador, and a Texas Senator where on a small charter plane from Dallas heading to DC to address congress. Mid flight, one of the engine fails and as the pilot attempts to maintain altitude he exclaims that they will have to drop some weight to avoid coming in to fast and just smashing into the ground as he attempts an emergency landing.

Naturally the luggage is tossed but it's still not enough. In a moment selflessness, The British ambassador stands up, puffs his pipe, declares "God save the Queen!" and jumps noblely to his certain death.

Still going down rapidly the French ambassador stands up, lights a cigarette and takes a puff, and jumps proclaiming "Viva la' Frances!" taking the same chances with his fate so the other two might have a chance.

Now the Mexican Ambassador and the Texas senator are left in the plane with the pilot and with not a parachute left to spare. Without hesitation the Texas senator stands up, lights up and takes a big puff off his cigar and loudly declares "remember the Alamo!" and tosses the Mexican ambassador out of the plane.

May God have mercy on my soul

 

[vaperature]

I may have set the deadline for this contest too far away, but it would make no sense to change it after the fact, so the contest will go on as scheduled until February 13. Keep the jokes coming and thanks for playing.

 

[JediTT]

Guy 1: Did you hear about the guy who had a stoke on his left side?

Guy 2: No, is everything okay?

Guy 1: Yeah he's all right now...

 

[vaperature]

Guy 1: Did you hear about the guy who had a stoke on his left side?

Guy 2: No, is everything okay?

Guy 1: Yeah he's all right now...

Bout time someone told a joke.

 

[RMarcusY]

A friend is someone you can call that will come bail you out of jail.
A good friend will be sitting next to you, asking you “who can we call to come bail us out this time?”
So my good friend Joe and I were having that conversation and the door of the holding cell opens up and in walk a new guy. He was kind of large and we thought we should break the ice, so I asked him what are you in for? In a slow, monotone voice he said he was in for assault with a battery. Well we could tell he was special, you know the guy from the neighborhood that didn’t go to your local school. The guy that rode the short bus to the special school. So I said “Don’t you mean assault and battery?”
In the same slow, monotone voice he said “No I assaulted the guy at the bar by hitting him up side the head with the Dieherd battery from my pick em up truck.

 

[vaperature]

A friend is someone you can call that will come bail you out of jail.
A good friend will be sitting next to you, asking you “who can we call to come bail us out this time?”
So my good friend Joe and I were having that conversation and the door of the holding cell opens up and in walk a new guy. He was kind of large and we thought we should break the ice, so I asked him what are you in for? In a slow, monotone voice he said he was in for assault with a battery. Well we could tell he was special, you know the guy from the neighborhood that didn’t go to your local school. The guy that rode the short bus to the special school. So I said “Don’t you mean assault and battery?”
In the same slow, monotone voice he said “No I assaulted the guy at the bar by hitting him up side the head with the Dieherd battery from my pick em up truck.