WINNERS ANNOUNCED: The First Annual WISE-ASS Contest

[vaperature]

Walks would mean plural. .. in this case it's just one person walking into a bar. Grammer nazi

No, you're wrong.

One man "walks" into a bar.

Three men "walk" into a bar.

Anyway, the original joke goes:

What do you call it when a Muslim, a communist and a socialist walks up to a podium?

The State of the Union Address.

(You get an entry anyway though, lol)

 

[LouPop13]

** Not an Entry **

To be grammatically correct, it should read "walks" into a bar, not "walk."

I'm gonna be a "wise ass" here and say that you are wrong...

One person 'walks', 3 people 'walk'... but you could just solve the whole problem and say 'walked'!! LOL!!

(EDIT: looks like vaperature beat me to it... lmao!!!)

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[Midniteoyl]

Walks would mean plural. .. in this case it's just one person walking into a bar. Grammer nazi

Nope... walks is singular.. Walk is plural..

But, who cares

 

[vaperature]

** Not an Entry **




I'm gonna be a "wise ass" here and say that you are wrong...

One person 'walks', 3 people 'walk'... but you could just solve the whole problem and say 'walked'!! LOL!!

RIGHT, it's just ONE person, not three.

 

[Midniteoyl]

No, you're wrong.

One man "walks" into a bar.

Three men "walk" into a bar.

Anyway, the original joke goes:

What do you call it when a Muslim, a communist and a socialist walks up to a podium?

The State of the Union Address.

(You get an entry anyway though, lol)

Beat me too it

 

[Midniteoyl]

Definitely turned into a 'wise-ass' thread

 

[vaperature]

Definitely turned into a 'wise-ass' thread

By the way my wise ass comments don't count as entries of course but if I tell a joke it will count as a joke for the two joke comment separation thingy rule.

 

[ghost62]

Definitely turned into a 'wise-ass' thread

I feel right at home

 

[Midniteoyl]

I feel right at home

The AU is everywhere...

 

[LouPop13]

Walks would mean plural. .. in this case it's just one person walking into a bar. Grammer nazi

Walks would only be plural if it was being used as a Noun, not an Adverb!!

Your 'Grammar Nazi' title is revoked!!!
(besides, you spelled it wrong... Ha!!)

 

[vaperature]

Walks would only be plural if it was being used as a Noun, not an Adverb!!

Your 'Grammar Nazi' title is revoked!!!
(besides, you spelled it wrong... Ha!!)

Adverb????? Buzzz, you lose. lol.

 

[Midniteoyl]

Walks would only be plural if it was being used as a Noun, not an Adverb!!

Your 'Grammar Nazi' title is revoked!!!
(besides, you spelled it wrong... Ha!!)

Nope again..

walk
wôk/
verb
3rd person present: walks

1. 1.
   move at a regular and fairly slow pace by lifting and setting down each foot in turn, never having both feet off the ground at once.
   "I walked across the lawn"
   synonyms:stroll, saunter, amble, trudge, plod, dawdle, hike, tramp, tromp, slog, stomp, trek, march, stride, sashay, glide, troop, patrol, wander, ramble, tread, prowl, promenade, roam, traipse;More
   stretch one's legs;
   informalmosey, hoof it;
   formalperambulate
   "they walked along the road"
   • use movements similar to walking but with a different part of one's body or a support.
     "he could walk on his hands, carrying a plate on one foot"
   • go on foot for recreation and exercise.
     "you can walk in 21,000 acres of mountain and moorland"
   • travel along or over (a route or area) on foot.
     "the police department has encouraged officers to walk the beat"
   • (of a quadruped) proceed with the slowest gait, always having at least two feet on the ground at once.
   • ride (a horse) at its slowest gait.
     "he walked his horse toward her"
   • North Americaninformal
     abandon or suddenly withdraw from a job, commitment, or situation.
     "they can walk away from the deal"
   • informal
     be released from suspicion or from a charge.
     "had any of the others come clean during the trial, he might have walked"
   • used to suggest that someone has achieved a state or position easily or undeservedly.
     "no one has the right to walk straight into a well-paid job for life"
   • (of a ghost) be present and visible.
     "the ghosts of Bannockburn walked abroad"
   • archaic
     used to describe the way in which someone lives or behaves.
     "walk humbly with your God"
   • Baseball
     be awarded first base after not swinging at four balls pitched outside the strike zone.
   • Baseball
     allow or enable (a batter) to do this.
   • Baseball
     (of a pitcher) give a walk with the bases loaded so as to force in (a run).
   • Basketball
     another term for travel (sense 2 of the verb).
2. 2.
   cause or enable (someone or something) to walk or move as though walking.
   "she walked her fingers over the dresses"
   • guide, accompany, or escort (someone) on foot.
     "he walked her home to her door"
     synonyms:accompany, escort, guide, show, see, usher, take, chaperone, steer, shepherd
     "he walked her home"
   • take (a domestic animal, typically a dog) out for exercise.
     "a man walking his retriever"
   • push (a bicycle or motorcycle) while walking alongside it.

noun
plural noun: walks

1. 1.
   an act of traveling or an excursion on foot.
   "he was too restless to sleep, so he went out for a walk"
   synonyms:stroll, saunter, amble, promenade;More
   ramble, hike, tramp, march;
   turn;
   datedconstitutional
   "their country walks"
   • used to indicate the time that it will take someone to reach a place on foot or the distance that they must travel.
     "the library is within five minutes' walk"
   • a route recommended or marked out for recreational walking.
   • a sidewalk or path.
   • a part of a forest under one keeper.
   • British
     the round followed by a mail carrier.
2. 2.
   an unhurried rate of movement on foot.
   "they crossed the field at a leisurely walk"

 

[Midniteoyl]

Notice - Third person present = 'walks'

 

[vaperature]

 

[LouPop13]

Adverb????? Buzzz, you lose. lol.

Okay... so it's a "transitive verb"... my bad!!

 

[Midniteoyl]

BTW... I win!

 

[LouPop13]

** Not an Entry **

Two men walk into a bar...

The third one ducked!!



An Irishman walks out of a bar...

Hey... it could happen!!
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[Zamazam]

** Not an Entry **



If it's the movie I'm thinking of, they don't say "neet"!! (it's Ni...)

You're right. Bring us a shrubbery.

 

[vaperature]

You're right. Bring us a shrubbery.

This thread 'tis a silly place.

 

[Zamazam]

** Not an Entry **




I'm gonna be a "wise ass" here and say that you are wrong...

One person 'walks', 3 people 'walk'... but you could just solve the whole problem and say 'walked'!! LOL!!

(EDIT: looks like vaperature beat me to it... lmao!!!)

.
.

How about "sauntered"?

 

[kelli]

skeleton walks into a bar.
orders a beer and a mop.

 

[ghost62]

Ok, hang with me here, ok?

Not so much a joke as it is an exercise in mind control and mind reading...

Seriously. Don't skip ahead or it won't work.

Ya ready?
Here we go.

Think of a number between 2 and 10

Got it? Good.

Now, multiply that number by 9. You should have gotten a two digit number, right?

Excellent.
Now add the first digit to the second digit. For example, if your number is 34, you would add 3+4.

Still with me? Cool.
Now subtract 5 from the number you just got (using the example above 3+4=7 then 7-5=2)

Ok, now that new number corresponds to a letter of the alphabet with 1=A, 2=B so on and so forth...
Got your letter? Fantastic.

Now, think of a country that brings with that letter.
It's ok, take your time...
Don't continue until you've thought of a country that begins with that letter, ok?

Ready? Got your country? Great!

Now, move forward in the alphabet one letter. If you had an M as your letter, you'd now be on N, got it?

Now figure out what letter you're on and think of a large animal that begins with that letter.

Wait.
We screwed up somewhere...



...Elephants don't live in Denmark...

 

[vaperature]

Ok, hang with me here, ok?

Not so much a joke as it is an exercise in mind control and mind reading...

Seriously. Don't skip ahead or it won't work.

Ya ready?
Here we go.

Think of a number between 2 and 10

Got it? Good.

Now, multiply that number by 9. You should have gotten a two digit number, right?

Excellent.
Now add the first digit to the second digit. For example, if your number is 34, you would add 3+4.

Still with me? Cool.
Now subtract 5 from the number you just got (using the example above 3+4=7 then 7-5=2)

Ok, now that new number corresponds to a letter of the alphabet with 1=A, 2=B so on and so forth...
Got your letter? Fantastic.

Now, think of a country that brings with that letter.
It's ok, take your time...
Don't continue until you've thought of a country that begins with that letter, ok?

Ready? Got your country? Great!

Now, move forward in the alphabet one letter. If you had an M as your letter, you'd now be on N, got it?

Now figure out what letter you're on and think of a large animal that begins with that letter.

Wait.
We screwed up somewhere...



...Elephants don't live in Denmark...

What does that have to do with my Emu from Djibouti???

 

[ghost62]

What does that have to do with my Emu from Djibouti???

Very little

 

[kelli]

Q. why did the elephant fall out of the tree?
A. i have no idea
Q. why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
A. he was stapled to the elephant.

 

[Midniteoyl]

Everything

 

[LouPop13]

** Not an Entry **

IDK this was English Grammar 101... LOL!!

Okay... so who did this??
(Hint: it's not from a movie)

​

 

[ajaymes2001]

Obama

 

[LouPop13]

Q. why did the elephant fall out of the tree?
A. i have no idea
Q. why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
A. he was stapled to the elephant.

Q: Why did the Punk Rocker cross the road??
A: He was safety pinned to the chicken... <facepalm>
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[Zamazam]

What does an elephant use for a tampon?
A Sheep.

 

[Zamazam]

What does an elephant use for a vibrator?
An epileptic.

 

[kelli]

what's brown and full of holes?



swiss shit.

 

[Zamazam]

How do you know that an elephant's sex organs are on his feet?
Because if one steps on you you're fucked.

 

[kelli]

zam is not waiting the required time between jokes. i wish to lodge a complaint.

 

[vaperature]

zam is not waiting the required time between jokes. i wish to lodge a complaint.

I know, it's going to be hell trying to tally the entries after a month of this.

 

[kelli]

I know, it's going to be hell trying to tally the entries after a month of this.

good luck with that project, dear.

 

[vaperature]

good luck with that project, dear.

No problem

 

[LouPop13]

I know, it's going to be hell trying to tally the entries after a month of this.

You could always shorten the duration of the Contest... <wink wink, nudge nudge>
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[kelli]

of course, you could just pick me as the winner and forgo all that bothersome tallying.

 

[kelli]

You could always shorten the duration of the Contest... <wink wink, nudge nudge>
.
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btw, cheech and chong to answer your quiz.

 

[vaperature]

You could always shorten the duration of the Contest... <wink wink, nudge nudge>
.
.
.

Fuck it, keep the jokes coming, I'll worry about it when the time comes.

 

[LouPop13]

of course, you could just pick me as the winner and forgo all that bothersome tallying.

But I think some of mine have the most 'Likes' so far...
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[kelli]

But I think some of mine have the most 'Likes' so far...
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details, details......

 

[Zamazam]

Fuck it, keep the jokes coming, I'll worry about it when the time comes.

Ah, after a month?

 

[LouPop13]

​

btw, cheech and chong to answer your quiz.

 

[vaperature]

Ah, after a month?

Leonard Nimoy was in Mission Impossible?

 

[LouPop13]

Back on topic...

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall

They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, 'What is this, Father?' The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button.

The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number. and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son.....

'Go get your Mother.'
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[Zamazam]

Leonard Nimoy was in Mission Impossible?

Yep. Spock was a Spook.

 

[SlowFoot Vapes]

Geography of a Woman
Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa . Half discovered,
half wild, fertile and naturally Beautiful!

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe . Well developed and
open to trade, especially for someone of real value.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain , very hot,
relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece , gently aging
but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain ,
with a glorious and all conquering past.

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel , has been through war,
doesn't make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada ,
self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.

After 70, she becomes Tibet .. Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages. An adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge.

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN

Between 1 and 80, a man is like Iran and North Korea,
ruled by a pair of nuts.

THE END.

 

[vaperature]

An Irishman stranded on a deserted island finds a bottle on the beach. He opens it and out pops a genie.

"You have three wishes," the genie says, "what will your first wish be."

"Hmmm, let me think on that a spell," the Irishman says and then he perks up. "How about a pint of Guinness that never gets empty? That'll do!"

The genie snaps his fingers and a pint of Guinness appears in the Irishman's hand. The Irishman chugs the Guinness down his throat with one gulp and magically the pint refills with Guinness. He chugs that one down too and again, it magically refills with Guinness.

"And for your next two wishes?" the genie asks.

The Irishman points at the pint of Guinness and says, "Two more of these please."