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vaperature
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Much better than three, much.
lordmage
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A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As
she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his
stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet
shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles,
has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed,
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied
the vet..
"How can you be so sure?" she
protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or
something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned
around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later
with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on
in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his
front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from
top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and
shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the
head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he
returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also
delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat
back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and
strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the
woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most
definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and
produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she
cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it,
the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the
Cat Scan, it's now $150."
she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his
stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet
shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles,
has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed,
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied
the vet..
"How can you be so sure?" she
protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or
something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned
around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later
with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on
in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his
front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from
top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and
shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the
head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he
returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also
delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat
back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and
strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the
woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most
definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and
produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she
cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it,
the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the
Cat Scan, it's now $150."
RMarcusY
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That's worth reposting.
I just found this thread....so here we go 
Two government officials asked one Chief, "You have observed the white
man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances.
You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done."
The Chief nodded in agreement.
The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your
opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"
The Chief stared at the government officials for over a minute and
then calmly replied. "When white man found the land, Indians were
running it. No taxes, No debt, Plenty buffalo, Plenty beaver, Clean
Water, Women did all the work, Medicine man free, Indian man spent all
day hunting and fishing, All night having sex."
Then the chief leaned back and smiled.
"Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."
Two government officials asked one Chief, "You have observed the white
man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances.
You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done."
The Chief nodded in agreement.
The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your
opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"
The Chief stared at the government officials for over a minute and
then calmly replied. "When white man found the land, Indians were
running it. No taxes, No debt, Plenty buffalo, Plenty beaver, Clean
Water, Women did all the work, Medicine man free, Indian man spent all
day hunting and fishing, All night having sex."
Then the chief leaned back and smiled.
"Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."
Oh, I'm new here BTW...Hi y'all!!!
Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?'' When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep.
A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'' The Teacher fainted.
A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'' The Teacher fainted.
A man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, so he phones a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, asks the vet if it was a difficult job, "No" says the Vet, "you can do it yourself".
Then he asks, "So how will I know when the sheep are pregnant". The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass, when they are pregnant. The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself.
So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed.
Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the Land Rover again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted.
Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round. "Try again." he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and upon returning home, falls into bed.
The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look out of the window. He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass. "No," she says, "They're all in the Land Rover and one of them is beeping the horn."
Then he asks, "So how will I know when the sheep are pregnant". The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass, when they are pregnant. The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself.
So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed.
Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the Land Rover again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted.
Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round. "Try again." he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and upon returning home, falls into bed.
The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look out of the window. He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass. "No," she says, "They're all in the Land Rover and one of them is beeping the horn."
The Importance of Underwear
UNDERWEAR IS IMPORTANT!! Listen up!
Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under yourvehicle... From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of aCrestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones.
Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by. The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.
UNDERWEAR IS IMPORTANT!! Listen up!
Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under yourvehicle... From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of aCrestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones.
Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by. The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.
The Purina Diet
I was in Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina dog food for my Labrador
Retriever Lola and was in the checkout line. A woman behind me asked if
I had a dog...Duh!
I was feeling a bit crabby so on impulse, I told her no, I was starting The
Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the
hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an
intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's
in both arms.
Her eyes about bugged out of her head. I went on and on with the bogus
diet story and she was totally buying it.
I told her that it was an easy, inexpensive diet and that the way it works is to
load your pockets or purse with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two
every time you feel hungry. The package said the food is nutritionally
complete so I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now
enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her.
Horrified, she asked if something in the dog food had poisoned me and was
that why I ended up in the hospital.
I said no, .I'd been sitting in the street licking my butt when a car hit me.
I thought the tall guy behind the lady was going to have to be carried out
the door.
I was in Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina dog food for my Labrador
Retriever Lola and was in the checkout line. A woman behind me asked if
I had a dog...Duh!
I was feeling a bit crabby so on impulse, I told her no, I was starting The
Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the
hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an
intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's
in both arms.
Her eyes about bugged out of her head. I went on and on with the bogus
diet story and she was totally buying it.
I told her that it was an easy, inexpensive diet and that the way it works is to
load your pockets or purse with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two
every time you feel hungry. The package said the food is nutritionally
complete so I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now
enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her.
Horrified, she asked if something in the dog food had poisoned me and was
that why I ended up in the hospital.
I said no, .I'd been sitting in the street licking my butt when a car hit me.
I thought the tall guy behind the lady was going to have to be carried out
the door.
GOTTA LOVE LITTLE BOYS
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons
and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"
"Eight," the boy replied.
The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?"
The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him.
He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike.
Right now, he can't do either one."
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons
and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"
"Eight," the boy replied.
The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?"
The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him.
He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike.
Right now, he can't do either one."
A boss said to his secretary I want to have SEX with you I will make it very fast. I'll throw $1000 on the floor, by the time you bend down to pick it I'll be done. She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend then said to her, do it but "Ask him for $2000, pick up the money very fast he wouldn't even have enough time to undressed himself." So she agrees. Half an hour goes by, the boyfriend decides to call girlfriend, he asks, what happened? She responds, "The Bastard used coins I'm still picking and he is still fucking!"
Three Pints of Guinness ...
An Irish man walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, "what'll you have?" The man says, "Give me three pints of Guinness please." So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone. He then orders three more.
The bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold. You don't have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low I'll bring you a fresh cold one."
The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, and we're drinking together.
The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition. Every week the man came in and ordered three beers. Then one week he came in and ordered only two. He drank them and then ordered two more.
The bartender said to him, "I know what your tradition is, and I'd just like to say that I'm sorry that one of your brothers died."
The man said, "Oh, me brothers are fine. It's me! I've quit drinking!"
An Irish man walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, "what'll you have?" The man says, "Give me three pints of Guinness please." So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone. He then orders three more.
The bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold. You don't have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low I'll bring you a fresh cold one."
The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, and we're drinking together.
The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition. Every week the man came in and ordered three beers. Then one week he came in and ordered only two. He drank them and then ordered two more.
The bartender said to him, "I know what your tradition is, and I'd just like to say that I'm sorry that one of your brothers died."
The man said, "Oh, me brothers are fine. It's me! I've quit drinking!"
John was a clerk in a small drugstore but he was not much of a salesman. He could never find the item the customer wanted.
Bob, the owner, had about enough and warned John that the next sale he missed would be his last.
Just then a man came in coughing and he asked John for their best cough syrup. Try as he might John could not find the cough syrup. Remembering Bob's warning he sold the man a box of Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once. The customer did as John said and then walked outside and leaned against a lamp post.
Bob had seen the whole thing and came over to ask John what had transpired.
"He wanted something for his cough but I couldn't find the cough syrup. I substituted Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once," John explained.
"Ex-Lax won't cure a cough" Bob shouted angrily.
"Sure it will" John said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamp post. "Look at him. He's afraid to cough."
Bob, the owner, had about enough and warned John that the next sale he missed would be his last.
Just then a man came in coughing and he asked John for their best cough syrup. Try as he might John could not find the cough syrup. Remembering Bob's warning he sold the man a box of Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once. The customer did as John said and then walked outside and leaned against a lamp post.
Bob had seen the whole thing and came over to ask John what had transpired.
"He wanted something for his cough but I couldn't find the cough syrup. I substituted Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once," John explained.
"Ex-Lax won't cure a cough" Bob shouted angrily.
"Sure it will" John said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamp post. "Look at him. He's afraid to cough."
COWBOY WHISPERER
Cowboy: 'That your dog?'
Indian: 'Yep.'
Cowboy: 'Mind if I speak to him?'
Indian: 'Dog no talk.'
Cowboy: 'Hey dog, how's it going?'
Dog: 'Doin' all right.'
Indian: (Look of shock!)
Cowboy: 'Is this Indian your owner?'
Dog: 'Yep.'
Cowboy: 'How's he treating you?'
Dog: 'Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food & takes me to the lake once a week to play.'
Indian: (Look of total disbelief)
Cowboy: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?'
Indian: 'Horse no talk.'
Cowboy: 'Hey horse, how's it going?'
Horse: 'Cool.'
Indian: (Extreme look of shock!)
Cowboy: 'Is this your owner?'
Horse: 'Yep.'
Cowboy: 'How's he treating you?'
Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking, he rides me, brushes me down often & keeps me in a lean-to to protect me from the weather.'
Indian: (Look of total amazement)
Cowboy: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?'
Indian: 'Sheep Lie.'
Cowboy: 'That your dog?'
Indian: 'Yep.'
Cowboy: 'Mind if I speak to him?'
Indian: 'Dog no talk.'
Cowboy: 'Hey dog, how's it going?'
Dog: 'Doin' all right.'
Indian: (Look of shock!)
Cowboy: 'Is this Indian your owner?'
Dog: 'Yep.'
Cowboy: 'How's he treating you?'
Dog: 'Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food & takes me to the lake once a week to play.'
Indian: (Look of total disbelief)
Cowboy: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?'
Indian: 'Horse no talk.'
Cowboy: 'Hey horse, how's it going?'
Horse: 'Cool.'
Indian: (Extreme look of shock!)
Cowboy: 'Is this your owner?'
Horse: 'Yep.'
Cowboy: 'How's he treating you?'
Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking, he rides me, brushes me down often & keeps me in a lean-to to protect me from the weather.'
Indian: (Look of total amazement)
Cowboy: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?'
Indian: 'Sheep Lie.'
vaperature
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Only one week left to get your WISE-ASS entries in.
Anus Braun
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Y'ever get on the pot, pinch out a biiig ol' log, it drops off, hits the bottom of the bowl, and falling forward; slaps you across the balls...?
Anus Braun
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...no? Me nieither...hope it never happens....
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Mrs. Crabtree's class was in session, and the teacher wanted to know how knowledgeable her class was.." Class, I'd like to know if any of you can use the word ' Dictate', in a sentence...who can do so, with good grammar? " Spanky shrugs, " I dunno..." Alfalfa scratches his head..." Nope...".All of the sudden Buckwheat pipes up, " I'll do it! I can do it! " He turns around, looks straight at Darla, and says: " Hey Darla, how my dick tate lat nite ?!? "
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Midniteoyl
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Life without women would be a pain in the ass.
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A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him. The son sees his mom and asks, "What were you and Dad doing?" The mother replies, "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it." "You're wasting your time," said the boy. "Why is that?" asked his mom, puzzled. "Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up."
Husband and wife on a camping trip decide to get it on out in the open air. After 15 minutes the man gets up and says "Damn I sure wish I had my flashlight!" His wife replied, "Me too...you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"
Anus Braun
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Why's it better to ball a nineteen-year-old blonde in the shower...? You can slick her hair back, 'looks more like fifteen...
Anus Braun
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Q: What's better than a sixteen year old redhead girl, bent over a barbed-wire fence ?
A: NUTHIN...
A: NUTHIN...
A young man was wandering, lost, in a forest when he came upon a small house. Knocking on the door he was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, gray beard. "I’m lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"
"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."
"OK," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house. Before dinner the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man as she couldn’t keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man’s warning he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during the night he could bear it no longer and snuck into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn’t hear and, near dawn, he crept back to his room, exhausted but happy.
He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest." "Well, that’s pretty crappy," he thought. "If that’s the best the old man can do then I don’t have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle." In a panic he glanced down and saw that the line was already getting close to taut. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."
"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."
"OK," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house. Before dinner the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man as she couldn’t keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man’s warning he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during the night he could bear it no longer and snuck into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn’t hear and, near dawn, he crept back to his room, exhausted but happy.
He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest." "Well, that’s pretty crappy," he thought. "If that’s the best the old man can do then I don’t have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle." In a panic he glanced down and saw that the line was already getting close to taut. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."
vaperature
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New rule. Everyone who entered the Wise-Ass Contest must pay me $30. Lol.
Sorry, I don't feel like donating $30
Not even if you claim to have a non-profit charity that you refuse to name.
vaperature
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Huh? I don't get it.
Anus Braun
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It's for the KIDS...!
vaperature
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Wise-Ass Association of America
Anus Braun
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Founded, in '82 by ME....
vaperature
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You don't want to donate to WAAA? What kind of American are you anyway?ehh, even if it has a name, I still wont donate.
Don't feel bad, I don't buy girl scout cookies either.
Can get a bigger package of nearly the same cookies in walmart for half the price
vaperature
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If it wasn't for the Wise-Asses of the world you wouldn't even have bills to pay!!!
One of my favorites!
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
"Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to..."
"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."
"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"
"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat "
After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"
"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."
"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.
"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider her mother was so difficult to work with."
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look."
"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, um... equipment?"
"It's true, Ma'am, yes. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."
"Tripod?"
"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too heavy to be held in the hand very long."
With that, Mrs. Smith fainted.
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
"Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to..."
"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."
"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"
"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat "
After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"
"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."
"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.
"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider her mother was so difficult to work with."
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look."
"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, um... equipment?"
"It's true, Ma'am, yes. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."
"Tripod?"
"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too heavy to be held in the hand very long."
With that, Mrs. Smith fainted.
vaperature
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good one
A business man returned home from work to find his wife had packed up all her suitcases and lined them up by the front door.
"Where the hell do you think you're going?" he asked his wife.
"Vegas." She replied. "I've heard the girls there make $400.00 a blow job, so I'm moving. I mean, why shouldn't I get paid to do what I do for you for free?"
The man paused for a moment, and took off upstairs to the bedroom. He began to pack his own set of suitcases, laughing to himself.
"And where do you think you're going?" his wife asked.
"I'm going with you. I wanna see how you plan to survive on $800.00 a year!"
"Where the hell do you think you're going?" he asked his wife.
"Vegas." She replied. "I've heard the girls there make $400.00 a blow job, so I'm moving. I mean, why shouldn't I get paid to do what I do for you for free?"
The man paused for a moment, and took off upstairs to the bedroom. He began to pack his own set of suitcases, laughing to himself.
"And where do you think you're going?" his wife asked.
"I'm going with you. I wanna see how you plan to survive on $800.00 a year!"
vaperature
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Okay, Wise-Asses, as it turns out in a couple of days I will be heading out to the country for a two week stay and although I normally have internet out there, I don't want to take any chances on you Wise-Asses adding me to the Hall of Shame or some shit like that. So, this contest will officially end tomorrow, that's Tuesday, February 10, at 12-noon and I hope to have the winners announced by tomorrow night so that I can have it all wrapped up before I leave. So get your final sorry ass (oops I mean wise ass) jokes in before then and thanks for playing, it's been a blast.
So, this contest will officially end tomorrow, that's Tuesday, February 10, at 12-noon and I hope to have the winners announced by tomorrow night so that I can have it all wrapped up before I leave. So get your final sorry ass (oops I mean wise ass) jokes in before then and thanks for playing, it's been a blast.
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vaperature
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Okay, the-the-the-that's all folks. The Wise-Ass Contest is now closed (well, you can still post a joke but it just won't count as a contest entry). Winners will be announced by the end of the day. Thanks for playing!!