ARGH!

[eSMOKA]

My stepfather and my aunt both enabled her horribly, and one of the things she disliked most about me is that I would NOT enable her

Right, you would not enable her, meaning you refused to strip he of her moral agency. This is the only way to deal with people who think they have a good excuse for the mistreatment of others. There is no such thing becasue it denotes that we, as humans, have no ability to change ourselves in order to make our lives better and the lives of others around us. This simply is not true. People refuse to change because their bad behavior gets them what they want in life and the enablers feed the monster.

They are afraid to change because this involves admission of wrong-doing and is all-around a painful process. That is not a good excuse for destructive behavior against others. Anyone can be who or how they want to be. Just don't drag others into it.

This is the worst when it comes to children because children have no power and no money. They must live in their hell until they are able to get out of the situation. Unfortunately, many get a guilt complex by that time and continue living within the hell they have been placed. At that point, the problem has also become their own fault as well because they refuse to change their own life...because "it's too hard" or "but she's my mother". Not an excuse.

 

[AndriaD]

Please understand that when I say "morally corrupt" I don't mean JUST people who goes around committing crimes, sleeps around on their spouse, or anything like that. Morally corrupt, in the philosophical world, means basically a person who does/says things without regard for it's negative impact on others, and usually justifies it in some non-nonsensical way like "well, I'm his mother" or "I'm the man of the house" or, "that's what my parents did". These things, while important, lose their value when they are taken to a point of destruction for others.

So in other words, a person is spoiled rotten, but that does not strip them of their moral agency. A person who has a negative aspect of their life/personality must keep that to themselves or fix that negative thing so as to not let it affect the lives of others in a negative way.

It's like a child a abuser who strips himself of any moral agency because his father abused him. It doesn't work out well in the long run because that teaches is child (whom he is abusing) that they will likely go on to abuse their own children and therefore it is at least somewhat justified (even though it's morally unjust). Like is if they have no control over anything.

Just because it is hard to change your ways it does not absolve you of the BS you introduce into other peoples' lives which will have a great impact on those lives.

You can be however you want to be and justify it anyway you want to justify it. But as soon as you drag others into your downward spiral of a world you live in, it becomes a different matter altogether.

I agree -- which is why my mom was always my negative role model -- when I was raising my son, I usually tried to figure out what my mom would have done in a given situation... and then did the exact opposite... and it worked out pretty well. Being able to be rational, despite one's kneejerk reactions, is a rare ability, but I really tried -- when our son got in trouble in 1st grade for hitting another boy, my husband says "I'm gonna beat his ass!" To which I replied, so, you want to teach him that it's ok to hit, as long as you're bigger? He saw my point immediately, thankfully, and our son was merely counseled that hitting didn't solve anything; he knew that his dad and I argued sometimes, but did we ever hit? No, we did not, because intelligent people don't do that, it doesn't solve anything at all. We did have to give our son a real spanking, twice in his life, but never because of him hitting another kid -- really it was "the court of last resort," both times, but thx to our earlier counsel about hitting, he never got into a physical fight with another child.

I also tried to always remember how I felt when my mom would lay a slap on any part of my anatomy she could reach (or even pull my hair, or whap me with a hairbrush, etc), anytime she was angry with me. I wasn't perfect by any stretch, but I knew that hitting a child in anger is abuse, plain and simple, from my own experience, and the times I slapped my son (usually when he did something like scream into my face) could be counted on one hand with fingers left over, as opposed to several times a week that my mom did that to me. It IS hard to escape your programming, but it CAN be done.

Andria

 

[Khassy]

Haven't posted much about The Dementor because I've been trying to stay positive. It's hard but I'm working on it. Thankfully, she's going down to Iowa to see one of my BILs for 2 weeks on Saturday! It's going to be really nice being able to watch whatever I want on TV, eat whatever I want, and blow huge fucking clouds that fill the room without having to listen to her bitch about having to go outside to smoke.

 

[AndriaD]

Haven't posted much about The Dementor because I've been trying to stay positive. It's hard but I'm working on it. Thankfully, she's going down to Iowa to see one of my BILs for 2 weeks on Saturday! It's going to be really nice being able to watch whatever I want on TV, eat whatever I want, and blow huge fucking clouds that fill the room without having to listen to her bitch about having to go outside to smoke.

ROFL!!!!

I'm always intrigued when I see a new post in here; it's like "As the Dementor Turns"..

Andria

 

[Khassy]

ROFL!!!!

I'm always intrigued when I see a new post in here; it's like "As the Dementor Turns"..

Andria

Overall, it's 'same as it ever was.' Just more of it. She carries her handbag everywhere now, even to the bathroom, as she's convinced someone is stealing from her. Can't tell you what she's missing, but someone's stealing from her. Other than her cigarettes, that is. Those she's always missing, even though we almost always find the missing pack in her pockets or at the bottom of her purse. My younger son runs away from home every chance he gets so he doesn't have to listen to her sideways accusations against him - she never actually accuses him outright but the implication is clear.

Dear Lord, let me get through the next few days without strangling her...

 

[Raymcconn]

Overall, it's 'same as it ever was.' Just more of it. She carries her handbag everywhere now, even to the bathroom, as she's convinced someone is stealing from her. Can't tell you what she's missing, but someone's stealing from her. Other than her cigarettes, that is. Those she's always missing, even though we almost always find the missing pack in her pockets or at the bottom of her purse. My younger son runs away from home every chance he gets so he doesn't have to listen to her sideways accusations against him - she never actually accuses him outright but the implication is clear.

The paranoia over stealing and "stuff" missing was too much for us to deal with. It got to the point people were stealing and throwing away her stuff all day long. Now its the nursing home doing it but we still steal her money? The other day the "boy" who washed clothes is taking her jeans and shirts to his mom and her clothes are all gone. I couldn't help myself and laughed so hard in front of her.

 

[The Cromwell]

Sympathies for those with parents with dementia and Alzheimer's.
I was the co-caregiver for my mother in her last few years.
It is a struggle with very little reward and lots of guilt.

Of course I was an adult before i figured out that my mother was a guilt trip travel agent.

 

[Khassy]

The paranoia over stealing and "stuff" missing was too much for us to deal with. It got to the point people were stealing and throwing away her stuff all day long. Now its the nursing home doing it but we still steal her money? The other day the "boy" who washed clothes is taking her jeans and shirts to his mom and her clothes are all gone. I couldn't help myself and laughed so hard in front of her.

Yup, The Dementor still yammers on every day about "someone" (meaning my son) stealing her gigantic underwear. Why we'd want them, I have no idea, but she still swears she had 15 pairs and now only has 10. She's never had 15 pairs but she's convinced she did. lol

 

[The Cromwell]

Yup, The Dementor still yammers on every day about "someone" (meaning my son) stealing her gigantic underwear. Why we'd want them, I have no idea, but she still swears she had 15 pairs and now only has 10. She's never had 15 pairs but she's convinced she did. lol

Get her 10 more pairs and sneak em in

 

[Raymcconn]

We moved on to socks. A pair of blue socks. We just bought them and they only had purple because winter is over. She wont belive us and one time accused her roommate. Well problem with that is her roommate is a double amputee. LOL
Should say old roommate, she treated everyone so bad at nursing home she was moved to 3rd floor in with all the Alzheimer's and dementia patient.

 

[Khassy]

Yay, we're off and running today! 10:45 and she's already on a rampage, slamming doors and bitching. She's started in about the lawn needing to be mowed. My younger son mows it every weekend but that's not enough for her. She wants it mowed like every other day or she says it's too long. But we've just planted a bunch of grass seed in the front yard where there were some bald spots, so my husband doesn't want it mowed for awhile. Good thing she's gone on Saturday, but this is a recurring thing all summer long. She's never happy with how the grass is mowed. Then in the fall, it's all about leaves on the grass. We get soooo tired of listening to her bitch about the same shit every fucking day through most of the year. "No one is leaving this house until the grass is mowed." Yeah, you wanna bet?

 

[AndriaD]

Yay, we're off and running today! 10:45 and she's already on a rampage, slamming doors and bitching. She's started in about the lawn needing to be mowed. My younger son mows it every weekend but that's not enough for her. She wants it mowed like every other day or she says it's too long. But we've just planted a bunch of grass seed in the front yard where there were some bald spots, so my husband doesn't want it mowed for awhile. Good thing she's gone on Saturday, but this is a recurring thing all summer long. She's never happy with how the grass is mowed. Then in the fall, it's all about leaves on the grass. We get soooo tired of listening to her bitch about the same shit every fucking day through most of the year. "No one is leaving this house until the grass is mowed." Yeah, you wanna bet?

I think you all need to invest in a muzzle, if your husband continues to refuse to put her away somewhere appropriate. Or maybe just some duct tape? Just leave a little hole for her to smoke thru, and pass a straw, since she finds so much fault with your cooking.

Andria

 

[Khassy]

I think you all need to invest in a muzzle, if your husband continues to refuse to put her away somewhere appropriate. Or maybe just some duct tape? Just leave a little hole for her to smoke thru, and pass a straw, since she finds so much fault with your cooking.

Andria

My husband just tells me to do my best to ignore her no matter how annoying she gets and to just tell her to take it up with him. Except by that time, she's completely forgotten about it until the next day when he's gone again. lol

She usually sits on the front stoop to smoke so she can watch the world go by. She enjoys that. But sometimes, she'd go out the side door instead and stand by the cars since it was closer (the side door opens onto our driveway). So we set up a chair with an all weather cushion so she'd be more comfortable. Then she started bitching that all she had to look at out there was the cars and the side of the neighbor's house so she'd rather go out front. Like we had made her sit out there or something, just because we set up a chair for her. There's just no winning with her.

 

[AndriaD]

My husband just tells me to do my best to ignore her no matter how annoying she gets and to just tell her to take it up with him. Except by that time, she's completely forgotten about it until the next day when he's gone again. lol

She usually sits on the front stoop to smoke so she can watch the world go by. She enjoys that. But sometimes, she'd go out the side door instead and stand by the cars since it was closer (the side door opens onto our driveway). So we set up a chair with an all weather cushion so she'd be more comfortable. Then she started bitching that all she had to look at out there was the cars and the side of the neighbor's house so she'd rather go out front. Like we had made her sit out there or something, just because we set up a chair for her. There's just no winning with her.

When she went out to smoke, I'd probably just lock the door. "I don't know where she went, honey... I looked, and she was just gone."

Andria

 

[Khassy]

When she went out to smoke, I'd probably just lock the door. "I don't know where she went, honey... I looked, and she was just gone."

Andria

Believe me, I'm sorely tempted sometimes.

 

[The Cromwell]

@Khassy
MP3 player and earbuds

 

[Khassy]

@Khassy
MP3 player and earbuds

That's what my son does. Sits in the front room with his laptop and headset on.

 

[The Cromwell]

That's what my son does. Sits in the front room with his laptop and headset on.

Sounds like a plan to me.

 

[Khassy]

This is our horribly overgrown lawn.

Sent from my SM-G930P using Tapatalk

 

[The Cromwell]

Ohh wow you could lose a herd of elephants in there!

I still say the MP3 and earbuds. Zone her out.

 

[Khassy]

Ohh wow you could lose a herd of elephants in there!

I still say the MP3 and earbuds. Zone her out.

I know, right? It's like the wild frontier in my front yard.

My son's friend needs to borrow our mower. If he can take it and bring it back without her noticing (and, therefore, bitching), he's fine. If she sees, he has to mow the yard.

 

[AndriaD]

I know, right? It's like the wild frontier in my front yard.

My son's friend needs to borrow our mower. If he can take it and bring it back without her noticing (and, therefore, bitching), he's fine. If she sees, he has to mow the yard.

It's not good to mow it too short, it can kill the grass. Of course, you probably don't have the extreme-heat consideration up there.

Andria

 

[Khassy]

It's not good to mow it too short, it can kill the grass. Of course, you probably don't have the extreme-heat consideration up there.

Andria

I know, that's why we purposely leave it a bit longer than she'd like. Which drives her up the wall. lol

 

[AndriaD]

I know, that's why we purposely leave it a bit longer than she'd like. Which drives her up the wall. lol

Short trip.

(that's what my husband always says when I say that anything is "driving me crazy"!)

Andria

 

[Khassy]

I find it interesting that she can suddenly be in a good mood when my hubby comes home. It's almost like magic! Grrrr....

 

[The Cromwell]

I find it interesting that she can suddenly be in a good mood when my hubby comes home. It's almost like magic! Grrrr....

You need videos of her actions when he is not around.

 

[Khassy]

You need videos of her actions when he is not around.

Oh, he's very much aware that what I tell him actually happens. He's seen enough to know. It just rarely happens around him - she rarely loses her temper when he's around.

 

[AndriaD]

Oh, he's very much aware that what I tell him actually happens. He's seen enough to know. It just rarely happens around him - she rarely loses her temper when he's around.

Because he's her bouncing baby boy, and you're that hussy who took him away from her. I've never understood women who feel that way, who seem to think that their grown sons are supposed to be MARRIED to their own damn mothers, but I've seen it enough to know it's a cliche for a reason. My mother's 2nd marriage, to my stepfather, was always very happy... but she NEVER could get along with his mother, in fact I'm not sure ANYONE could, that woman was such a harridan. I don't know how my mom felt about it, but I for one, at age 13, was very happy when she died.

Andria

 

[Raymcconn]

Oh, he's very much aware that what I tell him actually happens. He's seen enough to know. It just rarely happens around him - she rarely loses her temper when he's around.

My MIL will not act up too much around me either, or her other daughter. We just let her have it and walk away. My wife and step son gets the worst of it. All though she cursed us all to hell last night when visiting. I wanted to say NO that would of been the last year. Then I thought well maybe I shouldn't make things worse. LOL

 

[Khassy]

It's cold and rainy today but she just HAD to have a cigarette (even though she insists she's not addicted to them) so she lit it in the house then walked through to the door and is standing just outside with the door open, smoking her non-addictive stench sticks. UGH.

God give me the patience to make it through to tomorrow morning without beating her to death, please.

 

[Khassy]

She came inside from smoking crying her eyes out then went into her room. No fucking clue why.

 

[Raymcconn]

Because the lawn didn't get mowed in the rain.
I hope she gets in a good mood soon for your sake. Too hard to deal with mood swings.

 

[Khassy]

Because the lawn didn't get mowed in the rain.
I hope she gets in a good mood soon for your sake. Too hard to deal with mood swings.

Hopefully, she's in there unpacking her luggage so she can pack for her trip. She STILL hasn't unpacked from her last hissy fit when she was going to run away.

 

[Raymcconn]

You never unpack your run away bag. You need to grab it and go, no time to repack it.

 

[Khassy]

She's in a deep depression today. It seems she somehow got it into her head that we don't consider her part of the family and that she's not welcome here. And thinks that she's going to Iowa because we don't want her here. She's been crying all afternoon. Part of it is that she's having an even worse memory day than normal, which happens periodically. She pretty much forgets everything except who she is. Doesn't remember who we are or what our relationship with her is, much less where she's going tomorrow or why. *sigh* Helluva day.

 

[The Cromwell]

She came inside from smoking crying her eyes out then went into her room. No fucking clue why.

Sad thing is she probably does not know why either.
People like her are very sad.
annoying as hell but sad.
It is just hard to feel sympathy for them when you want to just pinch their head off.

 

[The Cromwell]

You never unpack your run away bag. You need to grab it and go, no time to repack it.

Keep mine packed all the time.
Just has vape stuff in it though.

 

[Khassy]

I woke up soooo relaxed today. She's off to Iowa. I was going to sleep in but remembered I have dogs and it would screw up their schedules. So I slept in a little but not too much. But I felt great! Found that my husband had gone to our favorite bakery and got a lovely cream cheese coffee cake and a rhubarb kringle. Made a cup of coffee, got the dogs settled and sat down with a couple of slices of cake, and started watching Moana (love this movie!).

Literally a minute after I sat down, I heard my boxer in the dining room. Got up expecting to find her licking the coffee cake. Nope. The hyena had eaten the almost half of the cake that remained! She's never eaten anything off the table like that before. Stupid dog.

 

[Raymcconn]

Well I hope you are getting much needed rest khassy.
We just found out the MIL even messed up the nursing home, because she refuses to do therapy. Now we have to hope she gets to stay in the current one. She only had to sit at a table and move her arms, or do the motions. They were not pushing her. Really. WTF.

 

[Khassy]

Well I hope you are getting much needed rest khassy.
We just found out the MIL even messed up the nursing home, because she refuses to do therapy. Now we have to hope she gets to stay in the current one. She only had to sit at a table and move her arms, or do the motions. They were not pushing her. Really. WTF.

Sorry to hear that. Mine would probably be the same. When she was in rehab a year and a half ago from her microstrokes, she was much the same. Didn't like to be told what to do at all.

I'm starting to relax finally. It's weird, not having to worry about her is it's own kind of stress. But it's nice being able to watch whatever I want and only have to worry about taking care of the dogs.

 

[Khassy]

The Dementor is back from her trip. So far, she's doing okay but she just got back yesterday. Fortunately, my BIL was able to see that she has zero short term memory and gets angry at the drop of a hat. Apparently, there, as she does here, she had no idea how many cigarettes she was smoking a day. She insisted it was just a couple, when she was actually smoking about 8-9 a day. Got mad when they disagreed with her about it.

She's got her yearly physical next month. I'm going to see if my husband can talk to her doctor about maybe getting her on some mood stabilizers or something. My son that works in an elder care facility says they can really make a difference with his residents.

 

[AndriaD]

What happened to getting her re-homed away from the people she's driving insane?

Andria

 

[Khassy]

What happened to getting her re-homed away from the people she's driving insane?

Andria

No plans thus far. My BIL is planning a camping trip sometime toward the end of summer and he'll take her with them on a road trip to see her other son in Kansas. That's the only way she'll get to see him. Then sometime later, another trip to Florida to see her daughter. Lather, rinse, repeat.

 

[AndriaD]

No plans thus far. My BIL is planning a camping trip sometime toward the end of summer and he'll take her with them on a road trip to see her other son in Kansas. That's the only way she'll get to see him. Then sometime later, another trip to Florida to see her daughter. Lather, rinse, repeat.

Until she doesn't recognize any of those people?

Andria

 

[Khassy]

Until she doesn't recognize any of those people?

Andria

Or I stab her in the neck.

 

[AndriaD]

Or I stab her in the neck.

Andria

 

[Khassy]

I've just gotten over a cold and now have a terrible, almost constant cough that's a lovely side effect of a new medication. Also, Kai just started barking at me.

Dementor: Why is he barking? (she's already on edge today, having a really bad memory day)
Me: He's trying to make me give him my half a sandwich.
Dementor: You should be eating some soup.
Me: Naw, I need some protein.
Dementor: You need to be peeing a lot.
Me: What does peeing have to do with my cough?
Dementor: When you pee, the bad stuff goes out with it.

It's kinda hard to argue with that logic, even if it doesn't really apply. lol

 

[Whiskey]

 

[Khassy]

*watching In And Out*

Dementor: I don't care what anyone else does, but I can honestly say I never had sex before we were married.
Me: mmhmmm
Dementor: And then we had a LOT of sex.
Me: ... *horrified silence*

 

[Khassy]

Communicating with the Dementor has been very, very difficult, especially when we were home alone with me sick and having zero voice (I have a bad case of laryngitis). She insisted on me being in bed. Occasionally, she'd knock on my door to see if I need anything. Because I can't speak, she couldn't hear me say "come in." So I'd get up to answer the door, only for her to scold me for not being in bed. It was an exercise in futility, grounded in good intentions.

Oh, and soup. I ate a lot of soup. Because, you see, soup goes through your body differently and takes all the bad stuff with it.