you and i have more in common than you realise. yes i have been there and done that, but like you, i found that nobody knows you better than you do.
Not said we're all that dissimilar. Figure we both put our respective pants on the same way. Learned about the Oracle of Delphi long before learning of the C.I.A.. Took the advice, "know thyself" to heart. Also learned from Pythagoras, "all is one and one is all". So as Richard Bach points out; To know all humanity, know only one human. If you know yourself you know all humans.
try being orphaned when you are 6 yrs old and when you get out of your coma..your parents and brother and sister are already cremated, then you get angry and say why could i not go with you. can you change it? no you fucking cant. can anyone change it for you? o please dohnt try.
Could not fathom being orphaned, well I possibly could as it seems I faced a lot of abandonment. Still my point is I couldn't imagine what you specifically have gone through. I know it was likely very difficult. Know a "fire" like that is bound to have forged someone quite resourceful, strong.
My dad who left me & mom when I was two is/was listed here as a sexual predator. He is purely an old lech who diddled a little girl. He never grew beyond the fact he has a dick. All is about him and sating the dick, fuck everything else (no pun intent).
He was/is a Marine, oddly I grew up in a family too that was military. Simply a matter of tradition I serve. My uncle & Pap brought me up learning Army infantry as "kids games". They left me with a friend who was former Delta force. This friend taught me some more advanced "basics".
My mom's proudest moment she'll tell you was being approached with an offer. Some guy wanted to set her up turning tricks & take a "cut". She thought and likely still does think that was something to tell a son, as an example of "no matter what you got value" & to be proud of yourself.
Mom often left me on my own. I created my own friends. You know the joke "I talk to myself because I want intelligent conversation"? Not a joke in my case way too much so at times I think. And yes mom would literally go off, leaving me wherever. I was pretty much forgotten & even to this day I reckon my biggest pride is I get forgotten. That's the abandonment I face.
Sometimes I even forget myself. *chuckles* I grew up being my own father and dad. There wasn't any choice in my case, all those who were supposed to be were failing pricks. I had positive role models sure. But I had to reach out myself for the help, guidance. I had to maul it over & make my own choice/s.
Anger? Yes, have fought with it quite a great bit in life. That "fire" in me can burn cold. I will literally black out if I get too angered. I am not responsible at that point, have no clue I might be beating someone to death, will not remember anything of it either. Folks say I literally "snap".
I keep that in check though. A lot of times that means just abandoning the world. What does it mind? It does the same to me. All is equated out and balanced. All is one, one is all.