You're allowed to feel angry or upset or sad or any of that. Ranting it out here is good if the people in your life don't let you. But I'm pretty sure there are plenty of people who are so very glad you were born, and are still around. I'm sad for you your birthday wasn't a good day. But please believe you are here for a reason, turning only 44, still so many years and possibly better years ahead.
I've been in that thought process a million times myself. Feel free to pm to vent or rant or cry. I can't promise to make it better but I promise I'll do any of the above with you, or just listen. Xoxoxo
But see that's it too. I have been trained, taught better of letting emotions have control. That is why it is so damn rough with me. I know this is natural, yet also know I
stand guard over anger. It was what cognitive behavior training was used to help with for me, teaching me ways to cope that are
healthy & constructive. Cleaning the bathroom to a sparkling temple of tranquility because I was angry which frightened my wife for example. Also aware I bottle up, let stuff simmer, hold on too much.
Also know the Polly Anna form of people who are trained in dealing with enraged, mentality, emotionally disturbed. Was trained to do it myself, have had it applied to me. It was a very discomforting moment in both cases, discomforting in that it genuinely shatters humanity from creating distance. I feel frustrated and crappy because life has been fair, because I did my best, yet it was not enough. I feel frustrated and crappy for feeling frustrated and crappy, that doesn't happen to me. I keep stuff at bay, in check, because I have to.
I'm too passionate, to a fault. So, I exercise self control. A p cyclist told me I had to let go, to accept being angry could be natural, healthy. For others it may be. For me, it only makes life worse ergo, not allowed. No
letting go. But yet the psychology & logic suggest that, even suggest downplaying the emotion, defusing with pleasantness, creating rapport with neutrality, common ground. Yep, know the drill, used it, got is used on me. Which is why it hurts so much.
I'm 44, yay. Done nothing but had to fight demons put inside by fair life, by not being up to par. And in that not done enough to help self or those I love. Then one dog is well, an a hole dog for whatever reason. I'm left going to bits. We had gone to Parkersburg today as well. I took the anxiety medicine. Did not change the fact that it was too many people in the city. I felt shoved into a tight spot, breath being shoved out of me. How do I control objective fact? How does anyone? Much less how is the
appropriate way to feel, think about that you cannot control?