So I have a lot on my plate right now and really no place to let any of this out, or I have no close friends that would actually listen or that I trust with stuff so what's better than doing it here? Maybe someone out there will follow along in this unorganized mess but if not it's okay. This is just a bunch of lingo that I need to write and get off my chest. it's probably all petty anyways.
When I look at pictures from back then to remember what it was like to live in a Family with a Mom and a Dad I see a Dad who spent a lot of time with me and basically did what every cool dad would do with their kids. I looked up to him like most sons would and oddly enough I am almost just like him when he was my age.
Fast forward through time just a little and my mom and dad split because they did not love one another anymore. I do not remember when this happened so I guess the initial breakup did not scar me that bad when it happened.
Fast forward again
Around the age of 13-14 years old I have been living with just my mom since the break up years ago but things were not working out living with my mom because I wanted to get away from her addiction that caused her to lose everything she owned but the shell of a house so I tried living with my dad. I thought his rules were way to strict so I moved in with my Grandmother who basically let me do whatever I wanted. I lived there for a few with basically no positive outlook on life.. just always being faded. what kind of life is that? just existing with no purpose.
Skipping ahead...
I moved back in with mom once she had came clean with her addiction and cleaned up her act.
I ended up getting into playing Hockey and happened to be very good at it and was playing AAA travel on sponsored teams as a Net Minder for a few years. My dad was and is HUGE into hockey so he was my #1 fan at the time. He took me to all of the tournaments that were hours away from where we lived and even bought a hotel room so I could be with my hockey buddies. He made sure I had good equipment and even had a few of my helmets professionally airbrushed and signed by some of my favorite Goal Tenders. How awesome is this ? My dad is actually supporting me! I for whatever reason stopped playing Hockey, completely disregarding the natural talent I had and did what every young irresponsible teenage boy thought about doing " girls, fun, parties, sleep " there after my relationship with my Dad again began to dwindle to complete silence.
As time passed...
I grew into life as a young adult completely abandoning the recklessness of my youth. I moved out on my own taking on my own responsibilities and
my father and I tried having a closer bond but we never had anything in common.
Our interests were the complete opposites now and whatever I was doing was wrong or not suggested in his eyes.
For example I enjoy target/trap/skeet shooting with firearms and enjoy the responsibility of ownership but my Dad said it would set a bad example for my younger sisters who looked up to me which was understood and respected by myself because one of my sisters is a little bit slower and does not understand safety of firearms. My dad did not want firearms in his house or around my younger sisters to see so he completely avoided/pushed away what I enjoyed doing as a person . Then again my dad is huge bow hunter and taught my youngest sister to hunt with a bow and even takes her for practice. I do not know why he is very sensitive on the subject of firearms " do not get me wrong I always take on the utmost caution and care when it comes to responsibility " he never wanted to find out or even try the things that I liked to do or go out with me to the range. I admit I was lacking in effort when it came to finding out what he likes to do.
and so on.....
To make things worse my Step-Mother and I never really agreed on anything either, nor did we ever get along. I thought she was hot but that's as far as that goes. To make things short we never had incidents but I was never comfortable with her.
I think she has this vision of a perfect family and pushes to achieve that and has no problem boasting about their achievements. They actually front like they're leading the perfect life and whenever I am around I do not feel like I fit in because I have done some things that I look back on and feel embarrassed about and they know all about it " parties, skipping classes,staying up to late,smoking,chewing and so on " She is a judgmental, shallow person even though she will never admit it to my face and in her eyes I can see disappointment when she looks at me like " what's broken can never be fixed " I personally believe that she wanted just their family together, not my real sister and I because we have made mistakes that were far to graphic for their tastes.
Everyone in town know's about my mistakes, my bad decisions, my skeletons in the closet, and I am thinking to myself sometimes " am I embarrassing to her definition of a family ? " she hardly even says hello... she probably does not want me here..
All I knew is that she changed my dad, he was no longer fun like he was when I was young.
Maybe not, maybe he has changed through all the years we as Father and Son miss together .
Recently we have rekindled our relationship and things couldn't go wrong.
My birthday is in a few weeks and he wanted to celebrate it with the family.
However we have to work around my step mothers schedule and we settled on a day
I just got a few texts with measly excuses on why we are going to have to celebrate it another month because it seems his schedule is really busy right now.
I don't know.. I don't feel any better... im going to bed
lol good thing.. Whiskey.. but i am only half way thru with my stuff here 
