I'm really struggling lately
I don't know when it started. But 245 (?) days of lockdown and only 1 hour out of home a day contributed
My primary diagnosis is schizoaffective disorder. But this is different
Our mental health care system is fuckeder than fucked
I think that current referral will stick. To a public outpatients service. Private clinics suggested to GP that public is better for me. Getting more frequent appointments, and ongoing care
Not light bedtime reading. May disturb some
First of all I would feel compelled to offer you a gentle hug of friendship and step back giving you all the space you felt needed. Secondly, might suggest a little advice I found useful.
Let your thoughts just wash over you like the tides at the beaches. While you got that imagery in mind, sit on the beach. While sitting there ask yourself internally "what is my next thought going to be?"
Sit, watch the tides of thoughts come, keep asking. Gradually your thoughts might stop. They can't get over the barrier of you challenging them by asking what's next.
I do this sometimes when I get memories returning, feeling the thudding of a step-dad telling me I would never amount to shit. Yes, you start believing, it starts becoming a kick in the balls. And yes people will inadvertently say or do things what "trigger" that back to the fore.
Had to leave when I was 20 because if I had stayed felt like I would have killed him. And I would not have remembered doing it no matter how "sloppy" I got doing it. Yes, had quite an imaginative means outlined too. Okay, back to present and out of that gutter. That's not me, or at least the me I choose being.
And ultimately, as a friend, got to tell you. The past does not define us. What defines us is how we respond and choose to keep living in this eternal now. I respect and appreciate what you shared. Not belittling it at all. It is potent stuff you've lived through.
And no, not belittling here either. Welcome. Lots of us have lived through our own Hell on Earth. It's past and past never does last, futures never manifest your best guess, presents we all need to hold fast.
Used to go more than 48/72 hours a week without sleep. From what I understand that "legally &/ clinically" certifies one to the "Loony" club. *chuckles* Then, so did three sheets of something in a warm bath.
It was there I "crashed". Didn't find anything "out there". Did find though a sense of love. Realized I knew love despite all the Hell. Knew love felt good. Knew it was given without condition, well just one, "don't be stupid" as in don't end yourself or go ending others for jollies.
Now, here's a secret about psychology. It is utter hooey. You probably figured that much out already. There's no empirical science to it. All any of them are doing is taking "best guesses".
Remember when you get done at the beach, leave the sand outside. My bamboo floors don't need to bristle up in here and become splinters for feet. Besides my dojo mats don't need to be glass.
"Oh wow! You got a dojo man?"
"Fook ja I do, in my mind. Got bamboo floors too over in the house part of the barn. Make your mind what you want, change it, have fun."
No, not a "doc" myself and you know that or should. I'm just a mate what has walked some similar paths. No, not the exact same ones. Here to listen, to help if I can. Best case you tell me to STFU, I will. Worst case we might actually find a better path for ourselves.