WISH
Cancer has changed a lot of things for me. There are the more obvious, physical things, like the way I eat and look after myself, but then there are some really big things too, like my perspective when it comes to life and how I view it. Cancer has taught me that life rarely turns out the way we expect it or have planned it to. What we want from life guides our decisions and leads us to opportunities in line with our desires, but it’s undeniable that we’re going to get things thrown at us that we never hoped to encounter.After my dad died when I was 11, I can detect a clear uptick in my anxiety about health and dying. It was always there, but after he passed, it definitely got worse. Three of my grandparents lived into their 90’s, and I used to say, “If I don’t live until my 90’s, I’m going to be really pissed!”. I have a tendency to place a really heavy emphasis on the length of my life, and it has instilled an interesting desire within me.
I catch myself thinking often that I can’t wait to get to my 80’s so that I can stop worrying about dying young and just enjoy what’s left of my life. This seemed like a perfectly reasonable desire, before cancer. After cancer though, things feel different. Though I still find myself thinking this thought, another one now comes hot on its heels: “Why not just enjoy your life now?”.
If I am not destined to get to my 90's or even my 80’s, I think it would be a damn shame to get to the end of my life and realize that I spent it wishing it away, wishing to be at a point in it where I “don’t have to worry” about dying anymore because I’ve lived enough of it to be satisfied. So instead, since being diagnosed, I’ve made a conscious effort to determine what it is that I can’t leave this life without doing and to pursue that. I’ve tried to be more present, to be more aware that this moment is all that is guaranteed, and to not waste one second of it wishing to be anywhere else along my timeline. Things are good, right here, right now, and who knows what’s coming later, so revel in the current good. And if things aren’t good right here, right now, here’s your reminder that we never know what’s coming, and it’s just as likely to be something amazing and better than you could even dream of right now. This too shall pass.
I know I have a lot left to learn and a lot left to do, and while I am super curious to see where this life of mine is taking me, I know that the journey to get there is where it’s all really at. Having trust that the Universe is taking me where I need to go can be hard some days, especially on the days where it feels like that isn’t the same place as where I want to be right now. But I’ve found that holding onto that faith is exactly what calms the frustrations and the impatience and reminds me that while it’s good to have wishes for the future, I shouldn’t wish away my present.
Happy Healing