Tonight's Bedtime Story
Once upon a time there was a guy who had a beautiful house on the side of a tree-covered hill. His name was Mansion. A neighbor named Poop walked to Mansion's back yard one sunny winter's afternoon and took a steaming shit directly in the middle of the lawn.
It just so happened that Mansion saw what Poop did and ran outside.
"What... what... what the fuck are you doing?" Mansion asked.
"Making beautiful art," Poop said while pulling up his pants and letting out several post-dump farts.
Mansion started yelling. "Well, you need to pick that shit up! You're disgusting!"
"No way," Poop said. "Not only is my shit gorgeous, it will help fertilize your grass. It's awesome. Once you understand this, you'll want me to crap on your lawn every day."
Mansion and Poop lived next to a couple whose names were Neat and Not. The pair walked over to the bickering men and the still-steaming shit.
Not looked angry. "Why the hell are both of you making fun of my wife? This has to stop immediately!"
"No one is making fun of anyone!" Mansion yelled. "Poop just voided his gigantic bowels on my property!"
"No he didn't," Not said. "You guys are making fun of us and if it doesn't stop, I'm calling the cops!"
"Yeah, COPS," Poop said. "They'll let all of you know that you're interfering with my environmental goals and self expression."
It's not clear who called the police, but two officers did indeed show up to Mansion's house. Now there were six people standing around the pile of shit.
Mansion turned to the officers, clearly looking annoyed. "Why are you guys here? No one called you. This is his shit, on my lawn, which now makes it my shit and my problem. If you don't get off my property, I'm calling the media and reporting you for harassment. I know how you operate. It will be about 10 more minutes and you'll be beating us senseless!"
"There's no shit here," Neat said with tears in her eyes. "All they're doing is making fun of me."
Poop remained proud. "I'll let you keep my shit, Mansion. It's my gift to you. I'll make more."
The confused officers explained the ramifications of continuing on this path and drove off.
It's not clear who called the media, but a guy with a camera and a woman wearing a lady-suit showed up in a news van.
"We'll have to pixillate this shit for broadcast," the cameraman mumbled to himself as the reporter stuck her microphone toward each of the offended neighbors.
By early evening, Neat and Not had rants posted on their joint Facebook page. Poop collected a series of shit pics with his photo sharing app. And Mansion had plenty of Twitter posts which started going viral. No matter who was complaining, the tone and message was the same: This is unfair and a total outrage. That night on the 11 o'clock news, the pile of shit was the network's top story.
That next morning, large groups of people had congregated outside Mansion's house. Privacy advocates, social justice warriors, environmentalists and passionate members of the artistic community all wanted to stand up for what they believed in and draw attention to their causes. A representative from the local police union was there, as were people fighting against police brutality. PETA arrived, because anything could be used for animal rights advertisements. Multiple TV and newspaper journalists were camped out nearby, walking up and down the street, hoping for soundbites that they could put on heavy rotation throughout the day. A YouTube video was trending, which attracted curious onlookers to the neighborhood and added to the mass confusion. Click-bait websites already had supplemental posts such as "Is Human Waste Good for Your Lawn?" and "How to Handle Neighborhood Bullies" and "History's Most Controversial Works of Art." Bookers and attorneys for the Today show had contracts ready for any of the neighbors who wanted to appear on the next broadcast in exchange for an all-expenses paid trip to New York.
This happened the next day. And the next day. By that time, officials from multiple layers of government had to respond to a series of online petitions, signed by angry people sitting at their computers. Retailers were handing out apologies for perceived insensitivities, either because they commented or didn't offer an opinion.
It was about that time when word got out that a little girl on the other side of the country had gotten a hold of her mother's lipstick collection and drew lines across her face. It looked like a rainbow. And everyone knows what group is tied to rainbows. Were the parents forcing a gay lifestyle on their young, impressionable child? What the girl's inner-lesbian being suppressed? Did the lipstick have harmful chemicals in it? Did the wife have ruby red lipstick because she was secretly a prostitute? The World demanded answers.
Suddenly, Mansion and Poop and Neat and Not were out of the spotlight. As for the infamous pile of shit, it had dried to a hardened crust. And there it stayed on Mansion's lawn, as a permanent reminder of how much the neighbors now hated each other. So why did the shit stay there? Because stirring shit up is so much easier than cleaning shit up and moving the fuck on.
-The End
I really enjoy holidays nowadays, since we can afford to get some steaks for the grill. Just amazing what you can afford when you don't waste your money on smoking and drinking. 
