Sorry to vent :0
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The Light at the End of the Tunnel
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No need to apologize, Pain sucks, Having no energy sucks, getting woken up at night with stabbing pains sucks. Although I don't have ovaries, I have a fucked up back that will seize if I sneeze while in the wrong position. People who have never had lower back problems have no idea how incredibly painful and debilitating it can be. My wife had fibroid's and host of other issues after menopause, she ended up getting a hysterectomy as a last resort. It did a number on her emotionally and psychologically, but she managed to deal with it with counseling and a ton of support from me. She doesn't have pain anymore, physical pain, but I suspect she's still got some emotional pain due to the loss of her "plumbing". If you want to vent, vent away.
I have flat out begged the doctors to give me a hysterectomy and they refuse because I'm of childbearing age and I don't have any kids.
Anyway I'm actually doing a lot better today I've only taken one tramadol so far .
I don't understand why the pain was so terrible yesterday and now I'm relatively okay
Anyway I'm actually doing a lot better today I've only taken one tramadol so far .
I don't understand why the pain was so terrible yesterday and now I'm relatively okay
Do you want kids?
I am okay with adoption or fostering .
at this point I just want to be not in pain 99% of the time.
I mean do the doctors think I am going to be able to chase after kids when I can barely get out of bed?
I can't pick up a child I can barely pick up a cat without it hurting my back
I haven't had sex in over 2 months because it is too painful.
I will not be having any kids with or without the hysterectomy.
I already know that I have PCOS which causes fertility problems so even amazingly if I manage to get pregnant
it would be a miracle because I know I will have to probably have to have IVF anyway.
On top of that unless you're the Virgin Mary its hard to get pregnant when you're not having sex
at this point I just want to be not in pain 99% of the time.
I mean do the doctors think I am going to be able to chase after kids when I can barely get out of bed?
I can't pick up a child I can barely pick up a cat without it hurting my back
I haven't had sex in over 2 months because it is too painful.
I will not be having any kids with or without the hysterectomy.
I already know that I have PCOS which causes fertility problems so even amazingly if I manage to get pregnant
it would be a miracle because I know I will have to probably have to have IVF anyway.
On top of that unless you're the Virgin Mary its hard to get pregnant when you're not having sex
I am finally back - sort of. Still not feeling 100%, but at least I'm up, around & still breathing. I'm so saddened to hear that everyone is having a rough go. I'm keeping you all in my prayers. I want to address each of you personally, but just don't seem to have the words right now. But, be assured that you are each being thought of and being prayed for. I've missed you guys.
@cherrycakes I may have missed this but have you spoken directly to a surgeon?
It's terrible to think this way, but health care is a business and as long as you are coming back, the doctor is making money.
OB/GYN's and general practitioners make their living treating patients.
Surgeons make their money operating.
A lot of them won't talk to you without a referral but there are plenty out there to try...
Just a thought.
@Mommay Glad to see ya back!
It's terrible to think this way, but health care is a business and as long as you are coming back, the doctor is making money.
OB/GYN's and general practitioners make their living treating patients.
Surgeons make their money operating.
A lot of them won't talk to you without a referral but there are plenty out there to try...
Just a thought.
@Mommay Glad to see ya back!
My last obgyn operated on me but I left that practice. I doubt anyone would be willing to do essentially an experimental surgery without proof there is a definite cause
Sounds like your history alone would be reason enough for someone to take a closer look at your situation.
Phew. Processing all that. Cherry's situation too. Barely know what to say except prayers on their way for both of you.
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Greetings, all. I hope today finds everyone happy, healthy & pain free. The holidays always seem to be a tough time for us, family stress, $$ expectations (I have to remind myself about those blamed expectations) and just a general change in routine. So extra prayers are going up for all my Tunnel buds. Be blessed.
Happy Thanksgiving!
Meditations
http://www.jftna.org/jft/
http://www.aa.org/pages/en_US/daily-reflection
http://www.hazelden.org/web/public/thought.view?catId=1904
115
Meditations
http://www.jftna.org/jft/
http://www.aa.org/pages/en_US/daily-reflection
http://www.hazelden.org/web/public/thought.view?catId=1904
115
Monday after a depressing work day, and for the first time in a long time, I felt like a dry drunk again. Every expression of gratitude in my evening meeting annoyed me. Stuck it out and felt a bit better after. Tuesday was my dead brother's birthday. Wednesday was my biological birthday. Pretty bad again. Left that evening meeting before it ended. Today is Thanksgiving with a bunch of guests arriving. A case of wine sits by the kitchen door. Fuck it. I told all concerned that I'm going to my favorite 7pm meeting regardless whether I've just started to slice the turkey and have eaten nothing yet.
All this is telling me something I'm always slow to pick up on. WE ARE ENTERING THAT SEASON. Hold on and take care!
All this is telling me something I'm always slow to pick up on. WE ARE ENTERING THAT SEASON. Hold on and take care!
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@TheWestPole @Fishee
Hi guys!
Just got off the phone with one of my sponsees and he is really struggling- worried about money, parties, the holidays, etc...
When I asked him specifics, it all boiled down to expectations that he was placing on himself about what he thought others were expecting of him this season.
I remember a lot about the holidays when I was young. I remember time with family and our traditions. I remember the feeling of togetherness and love. I remember it was a special time.
The thing I don't remember is what I GOT.
He was so worried about buying this and giving that. He felt he had to do it bigger and better now that he is clean so it will be special and make up for the times he wasn't there.
The best thing we can do to make the holidays special is giving freely of our love and our time. Give forgiveness freely and without reservation.
Wrapped presents will lose their shine. Toys will break or be forgotten. What comes from under the tree pales in comparison to what comes from the heart.
Have a wonderful holiday season!
Hi guys!
Just got off the phone with one of my sponsees and he is really struggling- worried about money, parties, the holidays, etc...
When I asked him specifics, it all boiled down to expectations that he was placing on himself about what he thought others were expecting of him this season.
I remember a lot about the holidays when I was young. I remember time with family and our traditions. I remember the feeling of togetherness and love. I remember it was a special time.
The thing I don't remember is what I GOT.
He was so worried about buying this and giving that. He felt he had to do it bigger and better now that he is clean so it will be special and make up for the times he wasn't there.
The best thing we can do to make the holidays special is giving freely of our love and our time. Give forgiveness freely and without reservation.
Wrapped presents will lose their shine. Toys will break or be forgotten. What comes from under the tree pales in comparison to what comes from the heart.
Have a wonderful holiday season!
Eh I'll let u know later lol
kelli
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I'd love a LONG weekend (or any kind of weekend, for that matter) but at least I had yesterday off. Sorta.nice to see you too, hon. hope you are having a nice long weekend.
Remember quitting is easy. Whether it was cigarettes, drinking, opiates or what have you. Many of us quit several times. It is the stability and ability to stay quit and/ or sober that is the challenge.
Everytime a smoker said I'm done and held out 12 hours, they technically quit, but could not sustain it. Addiction is the disease, but staying quit is a journey. Sometimes it is freeing and empowering, other times it is nightmarish. When holidays and hard times come, time gets harder. It is a struggle that, for most will last a lifetime. Take pride in yourself and the accomplishments you've had.
The one thing I see so often that is unfortunate is when people do have slips, they give up. We are people we are venerable, we are creatures of emotion and it is easy to let that take over. When someone has a hard time and they slip up, they say well I've failed and will go back to using because they used one time.
We are creatures that make mistakes more than any other animal. They are just that mistakes, it is human. We need to look and say, I have made a mistake, but look what I've done so far. I've came so far and I hit a bump in the road. I can learn from this mistake and start back on the right path. The fact is in recovery we all hit bumps, hard times get hard. It will pass and things get better.
I'm not saying this to anyone in particular in this thread. By no means an I suggesting people to give into temptation then say, well its ok I screwed up. I do however know with the holidays coming soon people struggle and it is one of the most common times people relapse. I'm just putting my message and beliefs out there.
Addiction truly saddens me. No one wants it or asks for it. Addicts are people and people first, they are not their addictions.
Have a safe and happy holiday season and I wish anyone who has a hard time the best of luck and my energy and thoughts go out to you. Stay strong.
Everytime a smoker said I'm done and held out 12 hours, they technically quit, but could not sustain it. Addiction is the disease, but staying quit is a journey. Sometimes it is freeing and empowering, other times it is nightmarish. When holidays and hard times come, time gets harder. It is a struggle that, for most will last a lifetime. Take pride in yourself and the accomplishments you've had.
The one thing I see so often that is unfortunate is when people do have slips, they give up. We are people we are venerable, we are creatures of emotion and it is easy to let that take over. When someone has a hard time and they slip up, they say well I've failed and will go back to using because they used one time.
We are creatures that make mistakes more than any other animal. They are just that mistakes, it is human. We need to look and say, I have made a mistake, but look what I've done so far. I've came so far and I hit a bump in the road. I can learn from this mistake and start back on the right path. The fact is in recovery we all hit bumps, hard times get hard. It will pass and things get better.
I'm not saying this to anyone in particular in this thread. By no means an I suggesting people to give into temptation then say, well its ok I screwed up. I do however know with the holidays coming soon people struggle and it is one of the most common times people relapse. I'm just putting my message and beliefs out there.
Addiction truly saddens me. No one wants it or asks for it. Addicts are people and people first, they are not their addictions.
Have a safe and happy holiday season and I wish anyone who has a hard time the best of luck and my energy and thoughts go out to you. Stay strong.
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I slipped up and cut myself the other day. Odd how my brain's response to dealing with pain is to add more pain on top of it
Anyway now im a lot better emotionally and a little better physically. Some days I just can't take it anymore
You said it.
Out of cloying self-reflection and into generous action. Gonna call me aging and distant mum and search for airfares.
My sister's a cutter. She once told me that she got angry at her body for causing her pain and wanted to cause pain back. I really don't know the psychological aspects of the condition. She takes Clonazepam and has been seeing a shrink on and off for a number of years. The meds and therapy do seem to help. She has reached out to me a few times when she was so stressed and depressed that she might start to cut again.
Cherrycakes, reach out to those who love you when you get to the point of cutting. You will find help.
I'm right there with you sweetheart.
Just remember that I recently told you that if I could I would offer you my eye to you for punching.
That means I'm here for you in any way I'm able to be.
Instead of the cuts maybe think tattoos. Equally as sexy
I've been there. Did the same thing about this time last year. I was going through a rough time. It really set things back into perspective though. It forced me to look at my life where I was and what was and was not health and worth fighting for in my life. Was I ashamed, well ya. Should I have done it? No. But I learned a lot.
I've had my share of issues, but it has shaped who I am today. I like who I am. So I cannot look back with regret because without the problems I've had in my life in the past, I just wouldn't be me.
We live, we learn, we do well, we screw up, but it is how we shape ourselves and our character along the way that really shows who and how we are.
I went through a 10 year struggle with some major mental health issues. It crippled me for 7 of those years. To a point I almost wasn't a real person for a while. Self medicating, self mutilation and some really bad life choices. I would not change it for the world. I'm now almost at the point of graduation college and they just wanted me to not hurt my self or anyone else 10 years ago. I was told by my Dr and consoler that they had never seen someone recover from the state I was in, let alone go into the field I am.
If we let who we are shine and what we've endured shape us, we become a walking example. That example shines and allows others to see all types of things are possible. That really sparks true magic. It spreads and becomes contagious. It effects others around you.
We effect everyone we come in contact with. Whether it is a simple hello or a lifelong friendship we effect everyone. As do they by interacting with us. Good things will carry on a lot further than negative will. When we thrive to fill our life with these positive things and people. It shifts everything around us.
Ok, sorry enough long winded theological rambles from me. Sorry lol
We never know and can never know another’s pain. So while I want so much to respond I can’t allow myself to. I can say though that for myself and for millions of others self-inflicted pain can and does give temporary relief from mental anguish. In that limited sense it’s not crazy or even odd, except when it leads real harm. Please take care.
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Thanks all. I know my limit but I continue to push myself anyway and then I end up in the same situation over and over again I try to take it easy but my mind is really stubborn
I know it can be hard. But if we always do what we've always done, we always get what we've always gotten. Do you have any clue how much money Psychologist make with this one statement. Hows that working out for you. It is hard and it is a struggle, but people are capable of amazing things. Everyone is capable of amazing things and I suspect you are too. Sometimes you have to reach down into parts of you that you didn't realize you had (sorry wording sounded kinda pervey lol). Nothing we go through is going to change, if we don't change what we're going through. It is a rough road. Keep both hands on the wheel and you're eyes straight ahead.
We've all had to face some kind of fear when we stopped, drinking, using, shopping, smoking, cutting, abusing. This led us to "who am I?" or "who will I be?" and "HOW?!?!". Sometimes we just have to face the same fear to find out who we are without. In most cases people like who they allow themselves to discover.
Hang tough. It's ok to be afraid. Being afraid hasn't killed me yet. It'll make you stronger.
Hang tough. It's ok to be afraid. Being afraid hasn't killed me yet. It'll make you stronger.
That reminds me of what Audie Murphy said when he was awarded the Distinguished Service Cross for valor in battle. He was asked how he kept from being afraid. I wish I could remember the exact wording but he replied that bravery wasn't the absence of fear but doing what must be done despite the fear.
@Fishee , that damned fly is back!! I need to send you an electronic swatter.I hope everyone survived (and maybe even thrived a bit yesterday). I know that I had a wonderful time playing a homemade marble game with my daughter-in-love, her Mom and 3 of my grands. I can't believe that I had gotten so far away from other's needs & their need for me, in my ilness/selfishness/isolation. I was challenged, I challenged them,I, no- WE laughed, cajoled, heckled and I WON! Sometimes it is the simplest, things that bring the most joy.
I remember one Christmas, when my 3 sons were younger. We were about to lose our home, had no groceries, no job, my car had been repossessed & the phone was disconnected. I couldn't buy food, much less Christmas presents for little boys. Plus, I had a super (one of the worst) bout of depression & stayed in bed most of the time. But I had boxes & boxes of photos, news clippings, & awards the boys had received. I spent hours cutting, pasting & fretting about this being so lame for 3 boys that wanted toys.... On Christmas, when I showed them my effort at putting their stuff together & giving them a homemade, fabric covered scrapbook - I felt embarrassed & like such a failure as a Mother, caretaker & human being. But those little boys, who were 5,7 &9, were thrilled and said that those books & boxes of extras was the best gift ever. Even now, after a few lean years for different members of my family, we do presents for the little kids, then send them off to play. Then the real fun begins - no "real" presents for the adults - because w have cleaned out the cabinets, closets or handmade something and have a Chinese Christmas. We laugh & love more over those G o d A w f u l things that show up, but that has become our Christmas ritual & one of the rules is that it can't cost a red cent. Even in fruitful years, we gather, enjoy our AWFUL or AWESOME presents that were pulled from who-knows where), sit down, remember & tell stories (that a Mother should never be allowed to hear), laugh & love - and sometimes fight. But it costs us nothing in $$, just a little of ourselves. - We also really like National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation, if we can keep the littlest ones away long enough. The first year, after my oldest son died, I told everyone that I just 'couldn't do Christmas'. So we had Christmas in the following July, complete with decorations, Christmas tree, Carols & our usual mishmash of oddities. It was one of the best Christmas's we'd ever had - even the neighbors were curious & joined the celebration. After this long monologue - it simply boils down to not allowing expectations to be imposed on me & trying to remember to not have expectation of people, places, things & events (you know - all the cheerful holiday stuff) that will not be as planned 90%+ of the time. I know that 'I'm preaching to the choir, so this chapter is closed.... my fingers are out of breath. Whew. Amen.
I hope everyone survived (and maybe even thrived a bit yesterday). I know that I had a wonderful time playing a homemade marble game with my daughter-in-love, her Mom and 3 of my grands. I can't believe that I had gotten so far away from other's needs & their need for me, in my ilness/selfishness/isolation. I was challenged, I challenged them,I, no- WE laughed, cajoled, heckled and I WON! Sometimes it is the simplest, things that bring the most joy.
I remember one Christmas, when my 3 sons were younger. We were about to lose our home, had no groceries, no job, my car had been repossessed & the phone was disconnected. I couldn't buy food, much less Christmas presents for little boys. Plus, I had a super (one of the worst) bout of depression & stayed in bed most of the time. But I had boxes & boxes of photos, news clippings, & awards the boys had received. I spent hours cutting, pasting & fretting about this being so lame for 3 boys that wanted toys.... On Christmas, when I showed them my effort at putting their stuff together & giving them a homemade, fabric covered scrapbook - I felt embarrassed & like such a failure as a Mother, caretaker & human being. But those little boys, who were 5,7 &9, were thrilled and said that those books & boxes of extras was the best gift ever. Even now, after a few lean years for different members of my family, we do presents for the little kids, then send them off to play. Then the real fun begins - no "real" presents for the adults - because w have cleaned out the cabinets, closets or handmade something and have a Chinese Christmas. We laugh & love more over those G o d A w f u l things that show up, but that has become our Christmas ritual & one of the rules is that it can't cost a red cent. Even in fruitful years, we gather, enjoy our AWFUL or AWESOME presents that were pulled from who-knows where), sit down, remember & tell stories (that a Mother should never be allowed to hear), laugh & love - and sometimes fight. But it costs us nothing in $$, just a little of ourselves. - We also really like National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation, if we can keep the littlest ones away long enough. The first year, after my oldest son died, I told everyone that I just 'couldn't do Christmas'. So we had Christmas in the following July, complete with decorations, Christmas tree, Carols & our usual mishmash of oddities. It was one of the best Christmas's we'd ever had - even the neighbors were curious & joined the celebration. After this long monologue - it simply boils down to not allowing expectations to be imposed on me & trying to remember to not have expectation of people, places, things & events (you know - all the cheerful holiday stuff) that will not be as planned 90%+ of the time. I know that 'I'm preaching to the choir, so this chapter is closed.... my fingers are out of breath. Whew. Amen.
Lovely post. You really touched me with this. Particularly your inspiring version of "A Christmas Carol."
Thank you.
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Frawg
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I've been MIA. Just swamped and mentally exhausted. I HATE the "new" VA. No issues 2 yrs ago, just now they're trying to triple schedule in two locations for one test. I get relief by calling legislators & bitching. I need more hours or less stuff. Now it's bedtime.
Geez, I had forgotten how much fun it could be to spend the afternoon playing board games with the kids (big & small). I miss not being closer to the grands.... so, I've decided to put my place on the the market and move next door to 3 of them. It's time to start cleaning up & cleaning out, so I can get out of here and closer to all those hugs, laughs & a new playroom..... By the way - I won the game - one of my grandsons said, "I can't believe an old person won". LOL. And, I didn't even cheat.
Edit: OK, I really have a bad case of CRS - I forgot I had already posted about Thanksgiving... geesh.
"I can't believe an old person won". LOL. And, I didn't even cheat.Edit: OK, I really have a bad case of CRS - I forgot I had already posted about Thanksgiving... geesh.
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