Dad saw I was hurting and he knew right away how it happened.
Let me put this here and it is no meant in any way as mean, spiteful, disparaging. I can say honestly that I envy you of that. I envy anyone that had/has an actual dad that was/is an actual dad. The fellows that were my substitutes, one was always away it seemed with Navy. The other fellow he had to work in the chicken "grow" houses. I could go around with him to do those every now and then, but as I got older life kind of drew us apart a bit.
Had a step dad but he was a crazy asshole. We think he was secretly homosexual. Why else would a long haul truck driver take up to an hour and half to get ready in 70's pimp style, if all he was going to see in working was men? And it was even suggested by a psychologist that he knew I'm bisexual and was so damn mean, brutal to me so as to ensure I was tough enough to face the world. I had to laugh and so hard the psychologist asked if I had cracked a rib. I told him I thought his view was messed up, I was just simply the handy dog that got beat.
Other than those, I did not have a dad but myself. Sure I had a biological dad. I was no immaculate conception. I just never had any man stand up and actually fill the boots of being my dad. Probably the closest good and decent roll models were my grandfathers and her's. And according to them I was supposed to be the head of three households. Her dad wanted me to step into his dad's spot, his dad kind of being the patriarch of their family. My Pap wanted me to help my mom, so did Papaw John. Then, there's mine and her (our) household.
I still have folks telling me. "Come be a shepherd for us, anything you need just ask." They are meaning literal shepherd too, with flocks of sheep. They want me acting as a patriarch, watching, guiding and helping their children as well as tending sheep. I'm not talking mere country bumpkin farmers either, some of these are yet still have global flocks. A family here up the road from where we lived the husband's name didn't mean a thing to me. Heard the wife's maiden name, knew the family has global flocks, runs millions, possibly billions in sheep. "Anything you need, just ask."
I know, "why don't you?" Well, because that would be a real hard swallow and owning up to a lot more responsibility than I think I'm worthy of having. No, that's not shirking work either. I'll work like a dog anywhere, doing anything, longer and more than anybody. No problems with dirty hands here, they always clean up. I just feel a bit of unease to think of being that responsible, having to manage a flock that might be split between two or three continents. The swallow would be, yes, a bit of pride but also a lot of humility and possibly presumption on my part. I do not want to "presume" to be of value to anyone like that. Asking, would do that.
Well, I ought to be off. Need to rack soon.