We have a mechanical bleacher in our school's gym. A person uses a switch box to extend the bleachers "out", or contract them "in". For the past two weeks, this mechanical system of electric motors, cables under the bleachers has been "borked".
I have been having to "fight" by pushing part in by hand, tugging part out, run the switch, repeat and hopefully, finally get the bleachers fully contracted. This has seemingly to me underscored the "fight" I've had to first get hired then maintain the custodial job with the school board. That "fight" goes even further to being the "fight" I have had all my life, it seems.
Those in the know can and will comprehend what I mean in saying the "fight". To further elucidate it for some, I was once being psychologically evaluated. The psychologist thought they had struck genius, "why don't you let your guard down and relax? There's no reason to stand guard over your emotions any longer. You've managed to control your anger, depression, anxiety. I give you the greatest respect for your courage and sheer will."
Of course, I had interactions sparse and within specific tolerances. Mental health professionals can and will alert authorities if one doesn't. I just sat and stared blankly at what they surmised was the crux of all my life's problems with "profound" insight and ingenious cunning. My thought was simply, "Mack truck, buddy, Mack truck."
Just like the bullet that hits you, you never see or hear that Mack truck that runs you over.
*smh*
If it was easy done as said, ...
The way everything has gone since then has only stressed more guarding, more care. That infuriates me, too. Yet there literally is not anything, I, or others may do to turn that tide. We may like to think something, way, exists. Ultimately, though, we know that's false hope.
I think it's time for fully identifying clearly, ... Fine, I'll admit it. I am, as Camus describes, an Absurdist. *sighs in relief,* So now you can all go fuck yourselves because have me in a nice tick off box, although one wonders, do you really?