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Humour Mill - Smile a Day Challenge

bobnat

bobnat

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Amber Petti said:
*not taught by me, but by toddlers aunt*

picking out cereal, Toby doesn’t want any of them... I pick one for him, Toby, “FUCK!” :rolleyes:
Click to expand...

One day when my first son was 3.5 years old he asked me if I had seen his cars. I said I didn't. I was in the backyard when I heard him say, "Where the fuck are my cars?" A moment later, "Who moved my fucking cars?" My thought was, "Oh fuck, I"m in trouble now!"
 
Huckleberried

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Bird's heard this story already. I had a rough night at work Thursday, woke up in a lot of pain on Friday, mostly neck and right shoulder. As I'm drinking my coffee, boyfriend asks if I want to open a Christmas present. Weird. Told him I'd wait, but he kept asking. Finally, I told him if it was that important to him, I would.

I unwrap a box, about the size that a mod might come in. I look at the box, see a weird graphic on it that reminds me of a sperm (WTF?). Then I see "intimate massager" on the box. I started to get pretty pissed, knowing he had my stuff delivered to his Mom's house, had her wrap it and everything, too. He bought me a vibe and had it sent to his MOM's HOUSE?? And had her wrap it??!!!!

I go ahead and open the box and see something that looks like a phone, some wires, then got ultra confused. Looked at the box again, and started laughing. ULTIMATE Massager is what it said. It's a TENS Unit
m0139.gif
So, yeah, that made me smile, and laugh a lot, first thing after I woke up.

upload_2019-12-22_7-28-30.png
 
SnapDragon NY

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Huckleberried said:
Bird's heard this story already. I had a rough night at work Thursday, woke up in a lot of pain on Friday, mostly neck and right shoulder. As I'm drinking my coffee, boyfriend asks if I want to open a Christmas present. Weird. Told him I'd wait, but he kept asking. Finally, I told him if it was that important to him, I would.

I unwrap a box, about the size that a mod might come in. I look at the box, see a weird graphic on it that reminds me of a sperm (WTF?). Then I see "intimate massager" on the box. I started to get pretty pissed, knowing he had my stuff delivered to his Mom's house, had her wrap it and everything, too. He bought me a vibe and had it sent to his MOM's HOUSE?? And had her wrap it??!!!!

I go ahead and open the box and see something that looks like a phone, some wires, then got ultra confused. Looked at the box again, and started laughing. ULTIMATE Massager is what it said. It's a TENS Unit
m0139.gif
So, yeah, that made me smile, and laugh a lot, first thing after I woke up.

View attachment 151941
Click to expand...



:giggle::giggle::giggle::giggle::giggle::giggle::giggle:
Merry Christmas to you!

:teehee:
 
Rhianne

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Huckleberried said:
Bird's heard this story already. I had a rough night at work Thursday, woke up in a lot of pain on Friday, mostly neck and right shoulder. As I'm drinking my coffee, boyfriend asks if I want to open a Christmas present. Weird. Told him I'd wait, but he kept asking. Finally, I told him if it was that important to him, I would.

I unwrap a box, about the size that a mod might come in. I look at the box, see a weird graphic on it that reminds me of a sperm (WTF?). Then I see "intimate massager" on the box. I started to get pretty pissed, knowing he had my stuff delivered to his Mom's house, had her wrap it and everything, too. He bought me a vibe and had it sent to his MOM's HOUSE?? And had her wrap it??!!!!

I go ahead and open the box and see something that looks like a phone, some wires, then got ultra confused. Looked at the box again, and started laughing. ULTIMATE Massager is what it said. It's a TENS Unit
m0139.gif
So, yeah, that made me smile, and laugh a lot, first thing after I woke up.

View attachment 151941
Click to expand...

That’s really hilarious. I hope the Tens helped!
 
bobnat

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Here is my wife's most embarrassing moment. We were living in S. Korea and we went to Thailand for holiday. Browsing through the famous Patpong market we came across some handcuffs. She agreed to get a pair, but I bought two of them. Just like with my vaping, I'm a big believer in having spares for things I really like.

We arrived back at Seoul airport and as I picked up my bag, two customs officials descended upon me. They took me to a table nearby, in full view of everyone. They opened the bag and went straight to the cuffs. They asked if I was in the military. When I said I wasn't, they asked why did I have the cuffs. Meanwhile, my wife is standing to the side of the table, about 10 feet away and she was visibly nervous.

I tried to be discreet and vague with my explanation. They're for personal use I told them. They wanted to know what that meant. "I use them in the bedroom, you know, with my wife." By now, a third official had come over and picked up a pair. So, at this point, two of the guys are holding the cuffs in full view of everyone who looked. "What do you mean by that?", one of them asked. "You know, you use them to handcuff someone to the bed, you know, during sex." Now, I really doubt these guys were that clueless and I now believe they were just trying to add some entertainment to their shift. "I don't understand" one of them said. Fuck it I thought, and I then preceded to raise my arms, spread my legs and just assumed the position in front of hundreds and hundreds of people. "Like this." I told them. All three of them smiled and nodded their acknowledgment. I looked at my wife and she had turned and was slinking away from the table. The three guys had a burst of Korean, probably discussing who had won the bet. They then told me I couldn't bring them into the country and that I would have to fill out a form and they would be returned to me when I left the country. I quickly decided otherwise as I had to get my wife out of there. I told them that I would like to donate the cuffs to the custom department as they could surely put them to good use. They all smiled, chatted to each other a bit, then very politely thanked me for my donation. I closed my bag, picked it up and walked quickly to my wife who was about 30 feet away by this point, with her head down, not looking at anyone.

I like to think that later that day, some Korean woman heard her husband say, "Hey honey, look at what I got at work today!"
 
KingPin!

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bobnat said:
Here is my wife's most embarrassing moment. We were living in S. Korea and we went to Thailand for holiday. Browsing through the famous Patpong market we came across some handcuffs. She agreed to get a pair, but I bought two of them. Just like with my vaping, I'm a big believer in having spares for things I really like.

We arrived back at Seoul airport and as I picked up my bag, two customs officials descended upon me. They took me to a table nearby, in full view of everyone. They opened the bag and went straight to the cuffs. They asked if I was in the military. When I said I wasn't, they asked why did I have the cuffs. Meanwhile, my wife is standing to the side of the table, about 10 feet away and she was visibly nervous.

I tried to be discreet and vague with my explanation. They're for personal use I told them. They wanted to know what that meant. "I use them in the bedroom, you know, with my wife." By now, a third official had come over and picked up a pair. So, at this point, two of the guys are holding the cuffs in full view of everyone who looked. "What do you mean by that?", one of them asked. "You know, you use them to handcuff someone to the bed, you know, during sex." Now, I really doubt these guys were that clueless and I now believe they were just trying to add some entertainment to their shift. "I don't understand" one of them said. Fuck it I thought, and I then preceded to raise my arms, spread my legs and just assumed the position in front of hundreds and hundreds of people. "Like this." I told them. All three of them smiled and nodded their acknowledgment. I looked at my wife and she had turned and was slinking away from the table. The three guys had a burst of Korean, probably discussing who had won the bet. They then told me I couldn't bring them into the country and that I would have to fill out a form and they would be returned to me when I left the country. I quickly decided otherwise as I had to get my wife out of there. I told them that I would like to donate the cuffs to the custom department as they could surely put them to good use. They all smiled, chatted to each other a bit, then very politely thanked me for my donation. I closed my bag, picked it up and walked quickly to my wife who was about 30 feet away by this point, with her head down, not looking at anyone.

I like to think that later that day, some Korean woman heard her husband say, "Hey honey, look at what I got at work today!"
Click to expand...
:giggle::giggle::giggle:
 
Huckleberried

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I had to go to Walmart today. I really thought I'd be posting in the What Pissed You Off Today thread, but I have no reason to, can you believe that? TWO DAYS BEFORE CHRISTMAS and Walmart didn't piss me off. Walmart pissed me off on most given days, I really hate when I have to go there, but I'm shocked.
 
JuicyLucy

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Huckleberried said:
I had to go to Walmart today. I really thought I'd be posting in the What Pissed You Off Today thread, but I have no reason to, can you believe that? TWO DAYS BEFORE CHRISTMAS and Walmart didn't piss me off. Walmart pissed me off on most given days, I really hate when I have to go there, but I'm shocked.
Click to expand...

Two years ago, two days before Christmas, I had an amazing Walmart shopping experience - thought it would be heinous and maddening

I was looking at buying an air mattress to sleep on while staying at my brother's apartment

There I was, looking at this one model on an end cap, and this great big dude in sweat pants and very few teeth says, "This is the best air mattress in the world! I weigh 375 pounds, and when I sit on mine, it doesn't flip over or anything!"

Sold
 
KingPin!

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Nearly Christmas Day here in the GMT timezone so I’d just like to say ...I wish you all a very merry Christmas, may it be restful and full of joy with friends and family.

It’s been lovely seeing this thread everyday for the past few weeks, long may it continue.... thank you all for making VU the special place it is :hug:
 
JuicyLucy

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KingPin! said:
Nearly Christmas Day here in the GMT timezone so I’d just like to say ...I wish you all a very merry Christmas, may it be restful and full of joy with friends and family.

It’s been lovely seeing this thread everyday for the past few weeks, long may it continue.... thank you all for making VU the special place it is :hug:
Click to expand...

:xmaslights::hohoho::xmaslights:
 
Huckleberried

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KingPin! said:
Nearly Christmas Day here in the GMT timezone so I’d just like to say ...I wish you all a very merry Christmas, may it be restful and full of joy with friends and family.

It’s been lovely seeing this thread everyday for the past few weeks, long may it continue.... thank you all for making VU the special place it is :hug:
Click to expand...
Thanks for our smile today, @KingPin! Merry Christmas to you, friend. Much love. :hug:<3:hohoho:
 
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