I have a lively sense of empathy -- something a sociopath has never been on speaking terms with. An emotionally "normal" person can grow up, and out of unfortunate tendencies like that... a true sociopath never does.
Quite a fair point. Empathy is a fun idea to look at in regarding sociopaths. You're correct that a true sociopath does not have empathy. You're probably also aware of the phrase, "fake it until you make it", and the fact that if they choose sociopaths can be the world's best mimics.
I don't care much for drama. Which is also to say I don't care much for "conflict", contrived or not. I get too much of it in my own mind as I over think current situation, situation six steps from the Now, twenty four steps.
I prefer the eternal flux of the Now. I'm sure you're aware of the Zazen monks using the now as meaning 'in this moment". I tossed that in a blender with Heraclitus' flux doctrine, "nothing is immortal or eternal save change". Add in the Gestalt prayer, a pinch of Plato's notion we all face adversities in living and you wind up with a blended tall cool drink of empathy.
Humans are as animal as the animals they are alleged stewards over. I write that to emphasize how close we still remain to the base of living. This is an example too of words getting in the way.
I think you understand my meaning. I'm not meaning to avoid admitting I am or am not a sociopath. What I said initially was I could easily be given my physiology. I further then said I also realize there's a lot of choice involved in that as well.
At one point I do admit I did stop feeling anything. It was a situation that was untenable for a young man still in boy's flesh to handle. He needed to remain safe and he did so by letting go of emotions. Without emotions the aggressor could not 'get in", could not "mess with" the boy. More to the point it allowed the boy to "know" that he had not "fucked up" like the aggressor alleged, had not left tools in the yard, had not destroyed his own toys, had not spoken rudely or out of turn, had not moved furniture around in the home, had not done what ever he was alleged to have done. It let the boy not cry when he watched his mother beaten and thus ended the aggressor's "game" of beating her until the boy cried, then beating the boy until the mother cried.
Later on, the boy no longer a boy and grown to a man learned the aggressor had raped his mom several times. That led to her attempting suicide several times. All the while the aggressor assured her that husband's could never rape their wives, no court would say that. The aggressor told her he would take the children away for her being a bad mother. A good mother would let the husband have her any way he pleased.
Letting go again let me go into the service because I grew up farther-less and didn't want that visited on my two younger brothers. I would have done something terribly wrong had i not went to the service. It would not have been a simple "oh well he killed him" but more along the lines of "oh, is this an ear, or piece of gut?" I was in a very bad place at that point, letting go of emotions, shutting down spared that and let me try moving forward in a manner that was constructive.
So yes, I can shut off emotions. I do not enjoy doing it but I know I can and can be fine doing so, as long as I recall keeping a "tether". Right now for me love of my wife and dog are one tether, a fairly good anchor. Do I have others? Probably, or not. I've grown up a great deal and a lot of it was pushed on me early in life. i was born an older soul anyway. To me that means I think we need to roaring twenties back. Although I'm also keen to big band swing jazz.
Yes, I'm changing the subject mama. It needs done before someone drops one of those yellow air raid flags.
Yes, I realized my written rape scene was not erotica. Erotica is a gentle flirting and teasing. It's what makes you think he's going to go down on you so fine later on that your mind will leave your body behind and you'll see Jesus! But ultimately he's not lain a finger on you or even really hinted at anything near in his words, manner. You just "feel" it from him, that man can use his tongue so well, you just know it.
Hm, yes, think I know my erotica from my pornography, and or sadomasochistic brutality. Like the difference between discipline and abuse. One is fine as long as it doesn't become the other and that requires itself to act so it does not.
Yes, know about that. Got taught that by a retired army Ranger.
That's why I knew too it was too much and the story, well it wasn't a story as much as I so am willing it to be. Even an indomitable will cannot save a writer from the story that
isn't a story. Those fuckers hurt my mind. Can I kick their ass? look, I've got a functioning dojo up here in my mind. I can keep them quiet so I don't disturb the neighbors. Please oh please let me?
Yes, I know I'm terrible and incorrigible, easy to encourage too. And yes I'm probably being rather immature at the moment. No, I don't feel entitled to that. I do think though I can excuse it because I got frozen at five years old. It was about then life said I needed to be a man and I climbed right in and took the wheel best I could. "Here hold my beer, watch this! Yes mom it's root beer."
Not saying I did the best job of it. Then again, my two younger brothers are seeming to have turned out alright. Got word the one that was being a **** (ty mods/algorithm) addict realized and got his shit squared away. My youngest brother, well, he kind of turned out alright despite our attempts to scare him to death as the two older brothers. Now, I'd be afraid to piss him off. As much as I think I've a sick mind, whew! Don't even want to try plumbing those depths. And my real mama, well she got Jesus now and is content in her life.
"Son, how many mamas you got?"
*counting on fingers, then toes, making in air calculations* "Fifteen and a half I think, sir."
"How many daddy's?"
"I'm the only one. But two others I'd call dad, both now dead. I had nothing to do with that, life took them."
Am I okay? Fuck no but I never am, so what?
I keep on keeping on. That's what us Disco babies do you know. Ha ha. We're the new breed that your grandparents warned you about and your parents swore you'd have one just like you.
Ah, I see how you are now. Draw out these words will you? *chuckles*
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