Well, at this point, I have a way of telling what's up with my back -- that pain I had last weekend after pruning half a dozen out of control rosebushes, that was just sore muscles, aching, just from being out of shape, more or less gone in a couple days. Unfortunately, this is an aggravation of my old spinal injury, at L4/L5, and the pain is quite different, and a lot worse -- it's like an abscessed tooth, nerve pain; it shoots and burns with the SLIGHTEST movement -- it's what kept me awake last night until about 7 this morning; no matter how much ibuprofen and Alleve I took, I might as well have been taking sugar pills. I was just delighted when I got up to find it had lessened considerably -- I was so tired when I finally fell asleep, I lay in the same exact position for about 6 hrs, and that was what it really needed.
I'm also suffering more physical pain as a result of my emotional pain. Just when I think maybe I'm getting over that a little, back it comes and smacks me right in the face again. One might have thought that my anger at my mother would mean not so much suffering, but it seems the opposite is true; now the 4 months before her death in which I didn't see or speak to her is my bitterest regret. It does no good to try and "talk sense" to myself about it; it just hurts, and there isn't one damn thing I can do about it. I know for a fact that time heals, but enduring that time... that's the hard part. When I lost my dearly beloved grandfather at 24, I could get drunk and use all manner of white powders, to blunt the pain; I no longer have that option. Sleep is my only panacea, but sometimes I hurt so much, both physically and emotionally, sleep is a million miles away.
Andria