KARMA
I never really understood karma as a kid. It was something that I feared, as if every little thing I did bad like pulling my sister's hair or losing my temper was being tallied against me on some cosmic scoreboard by some unknown deity waiting for the right moment to crush me under the weight of all those mistakes.
Throughout my life, this concern eased of course, and the concept of karma was sort of replaced by simple conscience. But after cancer, my contemplation of karma started again and my understanding clarified. Before, the idea of karma scared me so much because I felt like once an action was taken, there was no taking it back or making up for it. It was up there on that scoreboard for the Universe to see and you just hope you do better next time. But that's a little too black and white, especially for something as complex and unknowable as the Universe.
For me now, hurts and very bad choices instead present us with the opportunity to take a look at how those decisions and hurts came to be. What within me allowed them to happen? Or if something was done towards me, why did it affect me so? How can I help to heal myself and others? And how can I do better next time?
And if I'm being honest, there was definitely a loud voice telling me that cancer was my karmic punishment. That was a dark place to be. What I now think it was in actuality was the motivation that I needed to do the hard and uncomfortable work of considering and taking action on these questions. I had a deep sense that this was a vital piece of healing, both physically and emotionally, and I have come to recognize that sense, whenever I feel it, as a nudge from the Universe. We don't have too many more of the Anishinaabe ethics to reflect on, but this is a really good one that captures my feelings on the nature of karma, ill health, and healing.
"Never speak of others in a bad way. The negative energy that you put out into the universe will multiply when it returns to you. Avoid hurting the hearts of others. The poison of their pain will return to you."
Who knows if they and I are right? This Universe is a strange and complicated place, and there is just so much that we don't and can't understand. But it has been my experience that the wrongs we commit cannot be indefinitely forgotten and escaped. They find a home in us and the people we affected, and eventually, they will come to the surface again. It was a vital part of my healing to realize this because it allowed me to start acknowledging those things I had been willfully ignoring, and of course that was the first step to mending.
And it's a funny thing I discovered: that hearts or souls or whatever you want to call them are just like bones. When bones break, they heal stronger than they were before, but if they don't heal properly, they are more likely to cause other problems. If you don't heal your heart and those of anyone whom your actions have affected, more problems will be created down the line. But, if you take the time to explore and to rediscover the hurts that need tending and then take steps to do that tending, you and those you have affected will heal even stronger than you all were before. And that kind of energy can't help but spread to others and the world around you.
Happy Healing