CHECK ENGINE LIGHT
Fear. It's probably the worst part about life after cancer. I heard someone described the fear of recurrence once like someone coming up behind you and holding a gun to your back. They tell you that they aren't going to pull the trigger just yet, and they may never pull the trigger, but they are going to follow you around, every minute of every day, and that you should just try to go on with your life as if they aren't there. That's basically what it feels like to live with the fear of cancer recurrence hanging over you.
Time helps. Like most traumatic events, time brings healing and distraction and distance to a cancer journey, all things that reduce the consistency and intensity of fear's presence in your life. But to fully release the fear of cancer? I hope it's possible; I don't know if it is, but I have found some things that help. For me, it will be barely there for a few days or weeks, even when I'm thinking about cancer or my healing; the fear itself feels more like background noise. But then, I see someone get diagnosed in a TV show or someone posts about having a recurrence 16 years later, and I'm terrified. All I can feel is that gun at my back and the sense that I will never feel truly safe or free from cancer. But I think the key, for me at least, is reminding myself of what I have learned about cancer's nature and purpose.
Many things need to break down in order for cancer to develop. Hormone imbalances, toxic exposure like pesticides, poor diet, chronic stress, poor gut health, reduced immune health, physical and emotional traumas, viruses like HPV and Epstein Barr, thyroid problems, metabolism and blood sugar issues, lack of exercise and more can all coalesce to form the perfect environment for cancer to grow in. It takes a long time for all of these things to happen, and likely we have been getting messages from our body for years that things are going wrong, but we just brushed them off and said we would deal with it later. I have learned that cancer is really a check engine light, a survival mechanism, our body's last "pulling out the big guns" attempt to get our attention and say, "Hey! There is stuff that is super off in here, and we need your help to fix it!"
It's information. Yes, it's so much more than that, but on a technical level, a diagnosis is information that you can use to get well and heal. It gives us major clues about what we need to fix to find health again, and when I look at it that way, it doesn't seem so scary. It flips my perspective and makes me feel like my body is trying to work with me instead of against me. Reminding myself of all I have done and still do to repair, maintain, and monitor the health of the areas that I believe led to the development of cancer also helps to reassure me and banish fear.
If these approaches don't work for you and your fear, start exploring to see what exactly is the scariest thing about cancer to you. Follow that thread and find the root of your fears, and that will make finding things you can to do address them easier. Reminders and mantras that you are healthy and well, continuing to make healthy lifestyle choices, and choosing additional screening methods like thermography and circulating tumour cell tests are all ways to reassure yourself that you are doing everything you can to prevent a recurrence or catch it early.
No one escapes this life without experiencing fear. It's hardwired into our primal brains and can be quite helpful in some instances. But living with chronic fear can be debilitating. If you find yourself in the thick of it now, know that you aren't alone. Know that it's okay to be scared and that it's okay to be angry about feeling scared all the time. And know that it won't always feel like this. You will find your path through, the balance will tip, and fear will start spending a lot more time in the background.
Happy Healing